There has always been this one sad fact about the American founding that has bothered your humble correspondent. As regular readers know, it has been my fate and calling to spend most of my life in other people’s bathrooms, creating comfortable private sanctuaries from the cold world outside. So for me it is tragic that our founding fathers wrapped-up production of the Bill of Rights, while leaving on the cutting room floor the inalienable right of citizens to use the THRONE ALONE.
Well, last week the bill on our hastily wrapped-up Bill of Rights finally came due. Mob rule kicked in, as a US senator was chased into the Ladies Room because of a debate that began in another, more august chamber. The gentlelady from Arizona sought refuge in a stall, where she cowered behind a partial, inadequate door, as the other side of the door was live-streamed globally.
She was then verbally assaulted through the door by both a female AND a male — who until the day before yesterday you would think had NO BUSINESS being in a ladies room at all — as she presumably went about HER business. Yes, a SITTING Senator unable to STAND-UP for her constitutional rights —a fate not even a US Senator deserves under any circumstance, whether dodging angry citizens or fleeing from a State-mandated COVID booster shot.
Fortunately given that, after all, we are talking about geniuses here, the founding fathers DID leave us with a remedy to correct their oversights, and it’s through the AMENDMENT process. And while I’m no exception to the rule that you don’t find constitutional scholars among those who spend their days in other people’s bathrooms, I would like to humbly suggest that it will take THREE constitutional amendments to protect Americans when they are in the most vulnerable position they could ever possibly be in.
The Right to a Secure Bathroom Door
Does this sound familiar? When you try to shut a door in your house all the way, it never rewards you by replying with an unambiguous “click.” So, it would only take a little push for the door to fly open again, exposing whoever is behind the door to a bit of unwanted publicity. Robert Frost once said “Good fences make good neighbors.” And in response we proclaim “Good bathroom door locks make unembarrassed Thanksgiving house guests.” OK, so Robert Frost’s more artful words earned him a gig as a Poet Laureate. Big deal. We are after something far more valuable — a call to Fix St Louis from a homeowner like you to secure your bathroom door.
The Right to Be Comfortably Seated
Have you ever been in a home, perhaps your own, in which a toilet seems just a bit too low? Not SO short that it looks like it’s meant for a child, but just short enough for you to wonder why you can’t seem to get into the driver’s seat without going down with a “thud” in the last couple of inches, or why you suddenly feel like you’ll need a grab bar to get up. It’s not you, it’s the toilet. That’s the way toilets used to be made before “comfort” was invented. Kinda like the way those old-timey photos were taken of people and excessively large groups before the “smile” was invented.
Just think what a difference these comfort-height toilets have made. It’s even possible that if these new, taller toilets had never been invented, we might be calling them SQUATTING senators instead of SITTING senators. In any event, call Fix St Louis today and we’ll lift your spirits and everything else with a right-height toilet.
The Right to a Fair Flush
Being just a simple handyman, I live in a world where seeing is believing, and it’s kinda obvious I do not have the analytical skills required to be a member of Congress.
For instance, for many years now Congress has been warning that we’re going to run out of water because we’re using way too much of it. And that if we didn’t cut back on our water usage, then someday… I dunno, I forget … but I think it had something to do with a shovel, a hole in your backyard, and an Eagle Scout project.
You’d almost think that when Congress goes on OVERSEAS junkets and look out their plane windows, all they can see down below is a water-trickling drainage ditch, like the one we affectionately call the “River Des Peres,” instead of hours and hours of enough water to flush the toilets of every species known to man 5 times a day for eternity.
So years ago, Congress launched a jihad against what seemed to be a perfectly acceptable All-American toilet that had a 6-7 gallon tank — a classic beauty that unleashed a gusher large enough to take EVERYTHING down with it, including the occasional ashtray the kids threw in (remember those?). And to this very day, Congress seems determined to flush-through their toilet agenda until “flushing” is redefined to mean spitting into the bowl right before you hit the flush lever.
Fortunately, the toilet manufacturers have responded with good old American engineering ingenuity, so the ability of today’s toilets to flush, while still not good, is better than the original emasculated toilets of a few years ago. So if you have a flushing problem and haven’t had your toilet replaced for 15-20 years you might want to call Fix St Louis to do that. But in the meantime, until crowds with torches show-up at the homes of of elected officials, and catch them while they are sitting on their toilets (note to FBI: just kidding), none of YOUR toilets should be without a plunger nearby, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE THANKSGIVING GUESTS.
Hey, it seems like Thanksgiving guests came up a couple of times here. I’m guessing it’s unlikely that all 3 of the above constitutional amendments will be ratified before Thanksgiving. But that doesn’t mean you can’t enact all of them within your own house for your Thanksgiving guests. And there’s still time to get these repairs done before they arrive!
Call Fix St Louis today and we can make sure those bathroom doors lock, your guests are “seated” at the right height, and make sure they can casually leave the bathroom when done without running away hoping no one figures out that THEY were to blame for the toilet going off-line.
After all, you don’t want to make your Thanksgiving guests so embarrassed or mad that they’ll chase YOU into a bathroom. If you don’t think it can happen to you, check with your nearest sitting Senator. Or watch it on YouTube.
Fix St Louis