I just watched that controversial Gillette TV commercial, the one suggesting most men are violent, harassing, sexist, and condescending bullies. Maybe I should have been offended. But, I just assumed it was some sort of marketing gimmick, maybe to make men feel so depressed and ashamed of themselves they might consider using more of Gillette’s razor blades on more parts of their body, especially their throats or wrists.
But apparently, I was wrong. Gillette is out to change the behavior of every man in America, using the moral authority they’ve earned by being world-class experts on removing unwanted facial hair.
Look, I’m just a simple handyman in no position to judge the genius of Madison Avenue. Unlike Gillette’s ad agency, I couldn’t drive-off 30% of a best-selling brand’s customers even if I wanted to. But if I may be so bold, I’d suggest that rather than paint all men with such a broad brush, they might have done better to focus in on that subset of men who PARTICULARLY deserve the scorn of women (and men) — HANDYmen.
Yeah, I know, I know. It’s not fair to condemn the entire handyman industry, just because 95% make the rest of us look bad. And maybe it’s sexist to presume that all handymen are MEN. But to tell you the truth, while I have HEARD that handywomen do exist in REAL life, REALITY TV is the only place I’ve ever actually seen one. And even then, doesn’t it seem like the closest thing to a power tool Fixer Upper’s Joanna Gaines ever holds is a ballpoint pen? Not that you can blame sexism for the near absence of handywomen — after all, it’s not exactly every mother’s dream for her daughter to become one.
So let’s imagine for a moment, Gillette had a 2nd lapse of common sense, and made the questionable decision to turn over its entire advertising budget to yours truly, Dr Steve. And let’s say I immediately changed their campaign from “The best men can be” to “The best HANDYmen can be.” Wouldn’t these common failings of handymen ring true?:
If you’ve worked with Fix St Louis, you know that, unlike everyone else, we set firm, scheduled appointments — an exact time, an exact date, and we confirm it by email. We don’t say things like we’ll show-up “sometime between 8 and 12 noon if we’re running on time” or “someday next week depending on when we finish our last job.” That’s not fair to you because it leaves you tied-up at home for hours, unable to leave for work or errands, while constantly glancing at your watch and calling your handyman who never picks-up. In fact, it’s not uncommon for handymen to never show-up and never contact the homeowner.
Trust me, every handyman with the sole exception of us does NOT want your SMALL jobs. The more tied-up they are on big jobs, the better — more total dollars, more continuous work without gaps in their schedule, less time chasing new jobs, less need to deal with customer service issues, etc.
But they’re not going to tell you that. Instead, they’ll tell you that if you knew as much as they did about home repairs, you’d realize that a bigger job was needed. For instance, they’ll “HandyMan-splain” that it can’t be fixed, so it must be replaced. Or that, “yeah that window can be replaced, but frankly all of your windows are pretty old, so you really need to replace them all.”
An even worse practice is the handyman giving you an estimate 2-3 times higher than they would normally charge for that small job. If you turn it down, no loss because they didn’t want that job anyway. But if you accept it at that price, they’d be happy to do this job that does not take them much time, but gives them a good profit.
These are the often little, and sometimes big, untruths handymen tell to smooth over the situations from the items above. If your handyman is in the middle of a project, and would rather work on a bigger project than finish yours, you may suddenly hear something like he has to be “out-of-town next week for a few days to attend an aunt’s funeral.” By design, you’re not going to feel like challenging that excuse because it’s about a death in the family, even though no one in human history, with the possible exception of the British Royal Family, has ever had more than a week’s notice of a funeral, much less had to spend several days out-of-town to attend one for an aunt.
So, hey Gillette! Doesn’t this make Fix St Louis “the best a HANDYman can be?” Wait, don’t answer that! On 2nd thought, maybe you should just stick to unwanted facial hair.
With the government shutdown now underway, we all brace for the imminent catastrophe Washington claims is about to befall us. Accordingly, we the non-non-essential employees of Fix St Louis are stepping forward, and we pledge to do everything in our power to minimize the threat posed by the loss of 25% of our federal government.
We will keep you safe by installing those cool new video doorbells, and repairing or replacing your smoke alarms, CO2 detectors, and entry door locksets. And, we will re-secure all those off-track doors and detaching shelves so that they don’t fall on the heads of your loved ones or fellow Americans.
We are here to ensure that the lumber that keeps your home from collapsing is replaced and braced as needed. This includes rotted deck posts that are sinking into the ground, front porch posts with deteriorated base trim and bottoms, bowing floor joists, water-damaged boards at the base of your walls, and termite-damaged boards that rest on your foundation walls. As one of our greatest Presidents once said, a house subsided will not stand.
We will ruthlessly end all leaks in your house, whether arriving by air or “sea.” We at Fix St Louis can weatherstrip your doors to seal-off the outside air, and stop the water dripping from your sink/shower/tub faucets, down below in your sink cabinets, or from your outside faucets. As Benjamin Franklin once said, “a small leak will sink a great ship.” (He MUST have said that. I read it on the Internet).
Perhaps the greatest hardship of all will be the loss of the regulatory guidance we all need to live our day-to-day lives. Plastic straws will continue to be available. The march toward barely-operating toilets that require only a teaspoon of water to flush will be placed on hold. If your sink drains too slowly, it will not immediately be declared a wetland, so you may unsafely be continuing to use it. And you might find that the highly-regulated light bulb aisle at Home Depot will look EXACTLY the same if you visit the store twice in the same week.
Well, I gotta run. I need to find a temp agency to handle my diplomatic needs because the State Department is closed, and to handle my crony capitalism needs to fill-in for the Commerce Department. You know, if the nation’s suffering goes on too long, and the two parties can’t find the money to build the wall, Fix St Louis may just volunteer our OWN services. We build walls all the time.
It’s hard to be nestled all snug in your bed, while visions of a flooded basement dance in your head. We get it. Amidst your pre-holiday schedule there arose such a clatter, you had to defer a few home repair matters. Yes, you INTENDED to get those dripping faucets fixed during the pre-Christmas FIXmas season, but that time flew-by faster than Cupid, Donner and Blitzen.
So, why not make your FIRST New Year’s resolution one you can cross-off immediately – a resolution that will give you great tidings of comfort and joy for all of next year. Shutdown that drip-drip-drip on ALL of your faucets. Every last one of them. Not just some phony PARTIAL shutdown like from our perpetually-leaking Federal government, but a REAL TOTAL shutdown.
Don’t mean to laugh, but it’s funny listening to homeowners describe the stages of denial and grief they go through before they finally accept they need our help to stop their kitchen faucet leak. At first, they try to convince themselves it only happens sometimes, then they convince themselves it will go away by itself. Then they go through a sort-of “bargaining” stage where they put their lever handle through a choreographed set of movements with an unusual ending position to make the dripping stop.
Yes, we can fix those leaks. But honestly, among our happiest customers are those who learn in the process that newer faucets don’t have a separate spray handle because it’s built right into the faucet stem, and as long as we’re out there they’d rather have us install one of those.
These faucets drip, too, and we can fix them. But could this be a sign from the heavens that it’s time to replace that crummy faucet, which you never much liked in the first place? Folks are often reluctant to call us for this dripping because they think it’s too small a problem to bother a contractor with. Well, that may be true for everyone else, but NOT for Fix St Louis. Remember, we SPECIALIZE in small jobs.
What about those faucets sticking out from the sides of your house, usually low to the ground? These faucets are probably the MOST susceptible to leaks. Not just dripping from the spout, but also spraying all over the place when you turn them on. Sometimes, they even leak within the wall!
The two most common causes of these exterior faucet leaks are: 1) VERY low temperatures freezing the water inside, until it expands and bursts the pipe walls; and 2) Since these faucets tend to be used very rarely, gaskets that have become hard, dried, and compressed, so they no longer do their job.
Sometimes we can fix these faucets from the outside. Other times we can replace them easily with a new frost-resistant faucet if there’s an unfinished room or drop ceiling on the other side. Worst case, we can make the replacement by cutting-into the finished/painted drywall on the inside, then either cover the cut area with a plastic access panel (to make repairs easier the next time) or patch and paint the area. BTW, a specialized plumber, who will not provide one-stop shopping like we do, is more likely to leave you with a hole in your drywall, maybe with the cut piece of drywall screwed back in place. Instead, we’ll leave you with a fully-restored wall – mudded, taped, properly-textured, and painted.
Ever notice those hard-to-reach faucet handles behind your toilets, beneath your sinks, or in various places in your unfinished basement? Sometimes they’re handy if you want to shut-off the water to a particular fixture, but not shut-off all the water in the house. Well, those can drip, too, and Fix St Louis can fix and replace them. Folks seem to like it when we offer to replace them with the new ones that have a lever that just needs a quarter turn to shut it off, instead of turning a circular handle round-and-round-and-round.
Look, we get it. “Faucets that don’t drip” is not the reason for the season. We reluctantly acknowledge that Mariah Carey wouldn’t have gone platinum with “All I Want for Christmas is a Faucet that Doesn’t Drip.” But after all the holiday craziness is all over, and you get around to it, give Fix St Louis a call. You deserve a few silent nights.
Ah, another tune bound for the timeless collection of treasured FIXmas classics. Perfect background music for the current pre-Christmas season when homes get repaired for the holidays.
Gone are the happy golden days of yore, when a roaring fire could keep the family together in rapt attention for hours. Thankfully, there’s still 500 TV channels, so they can occasionally turn away from their texts, Instagrams, Snapchats, and Tweets, and gaze up in awe.
But until big screen TV’s hover like drones, or science invents a cure for gravity, you are probably going to need some help getting that formerly-named “boob tube” mounted on a wall. Tapping nails into walls won’t do it, even if you use those fancy-schmancy j-shaped picture hangers. And what if the wall surface is BRICK, like above a fireplace?
Beyond that, so let’s say you DO have the wherewithal to get that TV mounted on a wall. What about all those wires? Do you really like the way they drop down to the fireplace mantel shelf, snake off to one side, then down to the floor?
This is how we at Fix St Louis get to play Santa. We don’t perform the magic of delivering gifts to all the world’s children over a single night, but we do perform the magic of mounting TV’s to any wall surface. And while we might not be able to slide our handyman bodies down chimneys, we do know how to hide wires by fishing them through walls.
So imagine waking up to this on Christmas morning. There’s a TV above your fireplace, and hidden behind it are two things the TV is plugged into – an electrical outlet and a jack for the audio/video wire. Now look to the table, shelf, or cabinet to one side of the fireplace. There’s that cable box to which you point your remote, and behind it are two things it’s plugged into – an electrical outlet and a jack for an audio/video wire that is connected behind the wall to the jack behind the TV. See? No wires are showing!
At least in this one area, your life can be as perfect as the lives of the characters in a Hallmark Christmas movie. Your home can be as perfect as theirs, too! In any event, it’s a start.
So as the clock ticks down to the time your guests arrive, keep Fix St Louis in mind for those repairs you hoped to complete in the nick of time before St Nick arrives.
Now, let’s go for a big ending on our song:
Though there’s things to fix, in less than twen-ty days…
Merry FIXmas, to you!
Merry Christmas and Many Happy Repairs from Fix St Louis!
Could it really be the FIXmas season, already? Those few weeks before Christmas when the reason for the season is getting your house in shape for holiday guests?
No time to waste! Let’s kick things off, turn to page 12 in your FixSt Louis songbook, and this time I want to hear EVERYONE singing, even those of you way back in the cul-de-sacs:
On the 12th day of FIXmas, my handyman fixed for me:
12 toilets running,
11 dryers venting,
10 drains a-leaking,
9 mirrors hanging,
8 doors weather-stripping,
7 outlets sparking,
6 tiles a-laying,
5 wax toi-let ri-ings,
4 falling shelves,
3 French doors,
2 pendant lights above,
And an off-track do-or on a pan-try.
Wow, I’m going to need a minute to compose myself. That FIXmas classic never fails to bring to a tear to this old handyman’s eyes.
But, there’s work to be done, so let’s wrap-up with one more timeless favorite. Let me hear you on 1, 2, 3…
It’s beginning to look a lot like FIXmas,
Everywhere you go.
Take a look at the caulk and grout,
’round your shower and bathtub spout,
And clogged drains causing sinks to overflow.
It’s beginning to look a lot like FIXmas,
Cracked tiles on every floor.
But the best thing there is to know,
there’s still time before guests show,
At your own front door!
Merry Christmas and Many Happy Repairs from Fix St Louis!
As your humble handyman who drives round and round through your cul-de-sacs every day, I pick-up some unique takes on life. For instance, occasionally my pick-up truck gets chased by dogs, but once they catch up they have NO IDEA what to do with it. Now, not to equate politicians with dogs but — OK, so let’s go ahead and equate politicians with dogs — after these horrible every-two-year chases to gain control of the House, does either party ever remember why they wanted it in the first place, and do much of anything differently? So, what’s the point?
So, I’ve got a modest proposal. Instead of spending all that time, anxiety, anger, hate, and dirty special interest money on elections to the U.S. House of Representatives, why not spend it on your OWN HOUSE, to benefit the best special interest there is — you and your family. There’s no need to feel guilty or selfish — this country was founded in part so you could “pursue happiness,” like living in a nice home. On the other hand, how much “happiness” did you see from anybody in the latest pursuit to control Congress?
So, where do you begin to gain control of YOUR house? Well, it makes no sense to call politicians for the answer because they don’t know anything. Hey, let’s call the police! You see, years ago, they invented a program called “Zero Tolerance” that seems to work everywhere it’s tried. The idea is that you fix even the smallest problems, like a crack in a window. This sets a new higher standard for what is acceptable in your home maintenance — that even the smallest problem must be fixed. Next thing you know, the bigger problems REALLY get noticed and stand out, and they get fixed, too. And they keep getting fixed in the future.
Based on our experience repairing homes like yours, here’s a suggested list of small things that may need fixing:
Ten Biggest Small Repairs for Zero Tolerance Program
Zero Tolerance is a good game to play this time of year. Imagine that your nosiest, most fastidious, and most critical relatives will be coming over for Thanksgiving. Now imagine your house the way THEY see it. How would that make you feel? If that doesn’t work, imagine that the Attorney General has just hired a Special Prosecutor to dig into the state of your home maintenance, and can potentially embarrass you, destroy your career, and maybe even put you in jail. Got it? It’s OK, everything will be all right. Here’s our phone number at Fix St Louis, 314-434-4100.
Now, go forth boldly, ignore every single self-help guru who has ever lived, and SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF! Your house will be in better shape and you and your family will be happier. One exception — technically, the US House is small stuff. They should just be ignored.