It’s not surprising that ghosts live in homes that look haunted — keeping-up with exterior repairs is just not their thing. Look, I’m just a handyman who spends his days listening to gurgling noises coming from toilets, not listening to the dead. But I HAVE heard that ghosts are completely preoccupied obsessing over unresolved issues from their time on Earth — like strained relationships, unrequited love, or losing a close election for President.
Unfortunately, it’s all too easy for non-ghost homeowners to fall into this same trap, allowing the front of their homes to slip into disrepair simply by not paying attention. For instance, how many people these days return home when it’s dark, pull into their driveway, then enter their house from a door inside the garage? They might never notice the small things visitors see that make a house look neglected, if not haunted.
At Fix St Louis, we don’t get rid of ghosts, but we do remove the tell-tale signs that a house may be haunted, or suggest the inhabitants may either be recluses or stark-raving mad. Here’s how:
Non-Working Doorbell — When we at Fix St Louis visit a house, you may notice that we BOTH ring the doorbell AND knock. It’s not that we’re OCD, or neurotic, or anything like that. It’s that so many of you don’t have doorbells that work. You may already know about these new RING doorbells that alert you to folks at your door through your smartphone, and can even show you what they look like. Sure, we install those. But we can also fix the system you have right now and, if the wiring is hopelessly screwed-up, install a wireless unit.
Leaning Mailboxes — If a leaning tombstone tells you that a cemetery is really old, what does a leaning mailbox say about your house? Worse still, it’s the first thing visitors see as they’re reading all the street numbers on mailboxes trying to find your house in the first place! Fix St Louis can replant your mailbox post, but it’s probably time for us to simply replace it.
Tilting Sidewalk Slabs & High Step To Porch
The concrete slabs on the way to your front porch settle and, yes, it makes a house look old. But worse than that, they can create trip hazards, particularly when that last slab to the front porch has sunk really low and your visitors don’t notice they have to lift their foot higher-than-usual to reach it. If you don’t want to have your house haunted by someone who broke their hip and never recovered, let Fix St Louis help you solve this problem.
There are many reasons front door lights don’t come on when it’s dark. Sometimes it’s because homeowners forget to flip the light switch, sometimes it’s because replacing burned-out bulbs is put-off because the bulbs are difficult to change, sometimes it’s a timer that wasn’t reset after a power outage, and sometimes the light fixture simply broke and was never fixed or replaced. One of our favorite solutions is installing dusk-to-dawn sensors that can operate one or more lights, and screwing-in long-lasting LED bulbs. That way, homeowners can pretty much stop thinking about their lights turning on and off when they’re supposed to. But whatever your issue, Fix St Louis can handle it.
If your shutters are slipping or pulling away from your house, Fix St Louis can repair them. We can also replace shutters entirely, which is less expensive than you think.
Cracked Window Glass
Maybe you’ve been ignoring small cracks in your windows. But, it’s good to have these broken glass panes replaced for reasons of safety, insulation, and what-will-your-visitors-think. A lot of folks think a crack means that the entire window needs to be replaced. Not true, it’s usually just about the glass. Fix St Louis can help.
At Fix St Louis, we see a lot of dirty vinyl siding, particularly on the walls of covered front porches. That’s because in many cases porch siding never gets any sun, so stays moist and provides a good place for mold to grow. Keep in mind that Fix St Louis specializes in small jobs, so there’s no reason to think we’ve got to powerwash your entire house. And while you’re thinking about it, check-out the siding on the north side of your house which, like your porch, may be getting very little sunlight.
Hey, you’re contributing heavily to your community this Halloween — in over-the-top front lawn decorations, messy pumpkin-carving, mini-Snickers bars, and in so many other ways. Why create all that goodwill among your neighbors, only to have trick-or-treaters dish to their parents about THAT house on the street that just so happens to be yours? When it’s light outside, spend a couple of minutes in front of your house, and think about how your house looks to others. When you’ve recovered from the shock, call Fix St Louis. There’s nothing to be afraid of.
Sometimes it’s beautiful when things fall, like autumn leaves, Niagara Falls, and falling in love. For some falls, folks think better things came after, like the fall of Rome, the Berlin Wall, and Man’s fallen nature. But for most things that fall, it’s not good – you just want to get it fixed right away, and move on.
In the fallen world we at Fix St Louis live in, we see homeowners every day who are particularly rattled that something fell off their house. For starters, they struggle to figure out who to call, e.g. is there really any such thing as a “shutter-person”? And when they think they figured that out, they can’t imagine what contractor in their right mind would want to be bothered with such a stinkin’ small job.
Now, I’m not sure this is anything to brag about, but Fix St Louis is the ONLY contractor in town that specializes in these stinkin’ small jobs that nobody else wants to do. No job is beneath us! Geez, that didn’t sound too good, did it? But still, it’s something to keep in mind the next time you hear a thud, then find that one of the things listed below has plopped onto your lawn, or is precipitously dangling above it.
Yes, Fix St Louis is pretty much the only place to call when a shutter has fallen off or is dangling from your house. But, why wait for that? Why not look-up at your shutters now and see if any of them are bowing away at a corner, or beginning to pull away from your house.
“There’s a thin sheet of something hanging from my roof, and I’m afraid it’s gonna fall and kill somebody”
It is not your fault, it’s ours, that you homeowners can never tell us what that something is. You see, we handy-people are really good at DOING WORK, but really bad at USING WORDS – you might say the exact inverse of a college professor. So, there are no good shorthand words for what you’re trying to describe. That thing homeowners are looking at is actually a very thin sheet of white aluminum that had been wrapped around lumber on an angled edge of their roof. It’s there to protect that lumber from rotting despite the intense sunlight, water, and temperatures it’s exposed to, and it’s a better alternative than paint, which would not hold up as well.
The short answer here is just call Fix St Louis then, like playing a game of charades, give us as many clues as we need until we figure out what you’re talking about, and we’ll take care of it. If you insist unnecessarily in speaking to us in handyman crypto-speak, we call that lumber the “roof fascia.” And we call the aluminum material either “trim coil,” which is a better description of what’s in the box it comes in, or “brake metal,” which is a better description of the machine we use to shape it. But “something hanging from my roof” is just fine. And BTW, it’s so light that if it falls it wouldn’t even crush a ladybug clinging to a blade of grass below.
Panels of siding can start detaching from a house, or even fall to the ground. If you can find them on your lawn or in your garden, that’s ideal for us – we’ll just put them back up. If you can’t, but happen to have a couple of extra siding panels in your garage, that’s next best. If you don’t, we’re actually very good at the additional stinkin’ small job of finding identical or very similar siding from a manufacturer, and painting it to match if needed. And in those very rare cases where the new siding is negligibly different in its shape profile, we can transplant siding from another part of your house that’s invisible, like behind a bush, and put the new stuff there.
The WORST thing that can fall off your house is you or a family member from a ladder, which may be the BEST reason to call Fix St Louis. And in the highly unlikely event that WE fell off a ladder, we protect you by carrying insurance and workers comp.
Just think of Fix St Louis as your “fall guys.” We’ll fall all over ourselves to make you a satisfied customer.
On behalf of all of our fellow persons of labor, Fix St Louis wants you to know how humbled we are by your decision to celebrate us, of all people, this Labor Day weekend. I mean, I think we can all agree that VETERANS have earned their own day for celebrating their accomplishments. And I’m not going to say that fixing toilets and stuff is not ALSO important to preserving our unalienable rights. But anyway, golly gee, thanks.
To tell you the truth, based upon Fix St Louis‘ daily chats with homeowners, I have to wonder if Labor Day Weekend might have been invented so there would be at least 3 days out of 365 in a year when homeowners DIDN’T complain about their home repair contractors. The unreturned calls, the no shows, the rip-offs, the botched jobs, and the jobs that seem to go on forever-and-ever. Believe me, we hear it all.
But I’ve always sensed that much of this disgruntlement comes from homeowners’ frustrations from being at the mercy of a home repair contractor industry, whose work, and the way it is organized, they never fully understand. So as our Labor Day gift to you, let Fix St Louis help you overcome your labor pains by sorting it all out.
You know these folks, and probably even hired one at one time or another. These are the guys, sometimes with helpers, that drive up and down your subdivision all day long, who seem to do every type of home repair. Some are actually quite good – you’ll know who they are by how long they say you’ll have to wait for their services.
But hiring a Chuck in a Truck is high-risk, even if your neighbor Sally swears up-and-down about what a nice young man he was, and what a good job he did hanging her mirror. Did she perform a criminal background check on this nice young man (in my experience about 25% are convicted felons)? Can she tell if his work was done correctly to professional standards, or how well he could do your job if it’s anything other than hanging a mirror? Did she check to make sure “Chuck” had insurance so that if her house were damaged she would be made whole? Did she find his customer service rep to be responsive, and find helpful customer ratings on the Internet (sorry, I just threw those in as a joke)? To ask these questions is to answer them.
OK, now we’re moving-up another notch in the professionalism area. Here, I’m talking about individuals and companies that SPECIALIZE in a single trade, the big ones being plumbing, electrical, carpentry, roofing, siding, and heating & air conditioning.
You gotta be careful in this area because it is VERY EASY to draw wrong conclusions. Let’s say you ASSUME that SPECIALISTS are always better. And you’ve got a visibly obvious problem with a leaky pipe near or within a wall. Is it really best to hire a high-priced plumbing company to fix a leak any repairman could handle, then find someone else to repair your water-damaged drywall, or the cuts the plumbers needed to make in drywall, tiles, and floors to get access to the plumbing problem?
And, let’s say you ASSUME that the MOST CREDENTIALED tradespeople are always the best. There is not enough space here to explain what credentials like “licensed” really mean. And how the system can make it really, really difficult for even the best practitioners to get those credentials, while many lesser practitioners can. And how a license in a broad area like plumbing does not mean that the individual has experience with a broad range of issues within plumbing. And how when you hire a company that claims to be “licensed” it usually doesn’t mean that the person they send to your house is. Now, it’s not like these credentials don’t mean anything at all, but if you lean toward the view that, as in many other industries, these credentials were originally put in place by existing practitioners trying to increase their wages and protect their own interests, and they are kept in place by politicians who like their donations, you will swerve closer to the truth.
You’ve heard the term “General Sub-Contractors” that describes companies that handle larger projects, haven’t you? Uh, no you haven’t, because I just made up that term when I typed the last sentence.
Just be aware that most of the companies that handle large jobs and call themselves General Contractors, or Roofing Companies, or Siding Companies, or Whatever Companies, consist of a skeletal staff of sales and office staff employees, who subcontract out their work to who-knows-who, who are NOT employees, are likely not background-checked like employees, and can’t be controlled like employees. In other words, the folks working at your house are who-knows-who, who are employees of who-knows-what. Gee, what could POSSIBLY go wrong?
The last category of contractors is called “Fix St Lou…”. Hey, wait a minute – THAT’S US! Geez, I swear, I did not see that coming! We’re in a category all by ourselves. One-stop shopping across all trades, for all your home repairs. Technicians who are our OWN employees. So we know all about their non-existent criminal and drug histories, their skill levels, and their easy-to-work-with personalities, at least when we actually pay them on payday (just kidding).
Well, I’m sorry if I took time away from your time to celebrate us, on Labor Day weekend. At least you spent a part of it reflecting on the true meaning of Labor Day, whatever that might be. But, we graciously give you our blessings if you want to think good thoughts about Fix St Louis the other 362 days of the year.
Another round of Presidential candidate debates, and another round of wondering who, if anybody, is telling the truth. But, is it really all that different from when you’re debating which handyman to hire, and they’re all saying things that don’t quite add up?
So as a public service, Fix St Louis offers this handy guide to handyman lies. We were inspired by the political fact checkers at the Washington Post, who use a rating system that assigns a specific number of “Pinocchios.”
“For us, no job is too small”
I’m going to let you in on a secret. EXCEPT for Fix St Louis, no handyman wants your stinking little small jobs. They’d much rather be tied-up for a couple of months remodeling a kitchen so they can make money without the hassle of running around to find new jobs, or deal with customer service issues like call backs for repairs gone wrong. As a result, you might find some handymen using unsavory techniques to shake-off small jobs. Like try to up-sell you from a smaller job to a much bigger job (e.g. “yeah, this window is broken, but all your other windows are not much better and ought to be replaced, too”). Or double their price in the hope you’ll either reject it or make it worth their while.
“Can’t come next week, I’m going to my great aunt’s out-of-town funeral”
Don’t want to sound cold, but has ANYONE EVER been so close to a deceased great aunt that they were willing to sacrifice several days of wages to attend her funeral? What this means is that your handyman wants to spend time working for a customer he thinks is more important than you – one he thinks is worth YOUR inconvenience. Worse still, it often means you’ll never see that handyman again.
“Boy, that LAST handyman you hired REALLY screwed-up”
Homeowners fall for this one all the time. One of the least endearing aspects of the normative handyman is a willingness to falsely trash a previous contractor’s work for their own advantage. Yes it’s true that handymen screw things up all the time – it actually generates a lot of work for Fix St Louis. But, you’ll know it when you see it, without another handyman needing to point it out to you. Otherwise, if you hear this from a handyman, run away and don’t look back.
“Yeah, sure, we have insurance, even workers comp”
No, most handymen do NOT carry insurance, and even fewer are willing to pay the high cost of workers comp. This makes YOU vulnerable to paying the costs if the handyman damages your house, or gets injured on your property, or steals from you. And you will likely never be made whole. Look, I’D be the one lying to you if I told you I enjoy paying the high costs of general liability, employee bonding, and workers comp insurance. But these are almost entirely for YOUR benefit, and we view them as a necessary cost to US for the privilege of entering your home.
“I’ll need 100% of the cost upfront before I begin work”
This is an unreasonable request, and a red flag indicating you have hired the wrong handyman. By paying the entire cost upfront, you have removed all the incentives for the handyman to show-up, do quality work, finish the work on a timely basis, or finish the job at all. For residential work, I can think of only one exception – if an agreed-to repair between a house buyer and seller cannot be completed before the closing date, the best practice is to complete the financial transaction between the handyman and seller before the closing, then transfer the responsibility of the handyman to the buyer.
So, as Oprah’s spiritual advisor and presidential candidate Marianne Williamson might say, “what can we do about this dark psychic force of collectivized lying that leads to very dark work days?” To tell you the truth, there is no debate. It’s time to vote with your jobs, and nominate Fix St Louis as your preferred handyman.
When in the course of handyman events, the truth becomes self-evident that, while all MEN are created equal, all HANDY-men are not.
It should also become self-evident that, while it’s unlikely any handyman will ever appear on Mt Rushmore without a hammer and chisel in hand, the country would LITERALLY fall apart without them.
As a highly-decorated handyman service, who has earned the coveted A+ rating from the Better Business Bureau and Best of Home Advisor award, Fix St Louis acknowledges the awesome responsibility upon our shoulders.
We pledge to risk our lives (even on tall ladders), our fortunes, and our sacred honor to make your home great again. And, we demonstrate this commitment by providing every Homeowning-American with these certain unalienable and enumerated rights:
As we say here at Fix St Louis, “E Pluribus Unum” which, if I’m not mistaken, is Latin for “One Stop Shopping for Professional Home Repairs.” So, next time you’re thinking of calling just some “Chuck-in-a-Truck” or “Pete-in-a-Pickup” please consider calling us instead, to seek a more perfect union.
The way this old handyman looks at it, you’re actually watching TWO games every time the Blues play.
The first game, which takes place when the clock is running, never seems all that American to me. It features Blues players like Vladimir Tarasenko, Carl Gunnarsson, and MacKenzie MacEachern, who have similar names to Winter Olympics athletes who stand at attention on that 3-level podium while someone else’s national anthem is played. For recently winning the Western Division, the Blues were presented with the “Campbell Bowl,” which sounds like, and looks like, a gaudy, oversized soup tureen. Maybe the one used at Harry and Meghan’s wedding reception. And don’t get me started on the serving-ware they’re competing for next, named after LORD Stanley of Preston – a graduate of Eton, a prep school for over-privileged British boys, who possibly once held a hockey stick, but certainly never a toilet plunger or any other tool requiring manual labor.
No, the American part of the hockey game begins when the buzzer goes off signaling the end of the 1st period. Immediately rolling onto the rink is the ice-smoothing Zamboni machine, invented by and named after the son of struggling Italian-American immigrants. He used his newly-found freedoms to achieve the American dream by making something that makes ice hockey possible. Then, there are those ice rink walls and plexiglass, which have just endured a 20-minute period of being crushed, smashed, pounded, and scraped, while the audience cheered and laughed, humiliation that no building materials should ever be asked to endure. To handle that, folks pop-out with name badges sewn onto their uniforms that read “Chuck”, “Pete”, and “Zeke.” These hard-working Americans patch, paint, brace, and in all other ways make things new again. All done without hearing their names roared over the sound system, or accompanied by flashing lights, lasers, smoke, and foghorns. Now, that’s what I call America.
We at Fix St Louis like to think of ourselves as residential counterparts to that hockey game clean-up crew, except we ply our trade in similarly-damaged TEENAGE BOYS BEDROOMS. Someday, you just may need us for these:
Fix St Louis is great at removing holes, dents, and dings from bedroom walls. Sometimes they’re just nondescript nicks, but other times the punched-out drywall is EXACTLY in the shape of baseballs, pucks, doorknobs, and fists, which can be pretty amusing to us, presumably less so to the parents. If your walls have some kind of sand texture, we can restore it in the patched area. And if you once tried to patch it yourself, and it still stands out because you couldn’t figure out how to smooth it or add that texture back, we can fix it.
Teenage boys can be pretty rough on doors, but we can remove all signs of abuse. Fix St Louis can put those sliding closet doors back on their tracks. We can repair the aforementioned doorknob-shaped holes in the adjacent wall. If the door “slab” (the part on hinges that swings) has been kicked and cracked, we can replace just the slab without swapping-out the entire frame. And, if the door “jamb” (frame around the door) has been split or cracked through forced entry, whether by an angry older brother, desperate parents, or the County SWAT team, we can handle that, too.
The key to painting a teenage boy’s room is doing the right prep work before the first drop of paint is applied. While the repairs above are a big part of it, they are not the only part. What about those posters on the wall that were mounted with tape, or rubbery white goop, or whatever sticky substance was immediately available when your teenager had the impulse to hang it? You may not like the way the walls look now, with a preening-for-the-cameras Yadier Molina, Ariana Grande, Metallica, or even Patrick Maroon. But you may like it a lot less after you see what’s behind them. Fix St Louis will make those walls paint-ready. And if your teenager went Goth, or through some creepy dark period you prayed he’d grow out of, so that everything is now painted black, we can prep the walls so they can be painted any color.
So, next time you’re watching a Blues hockey game, at the end of each period – sure, go ahead and take that bathroom break – but be sure to return for the All-American between-time show of the Blues’ rink-repair heroes. For all those Chucks, Petes, and Zekes out there, this Bud’s for you! Oh, and almost forgot. Let’s Go Blues!