Who’s gonna ‘Make American Toilets Great Again’ so WE don’t have to?
Once upon a time, after Americans pressed the lever on a toilet, they immediately walked away. They didn’t stare inside the bowl to make sure everything went down. They didn’t listen in from the next room for a minute or two until the water stopped running. They didn’t buy a plunger for every toilet, then display this lovely item near their designer faucet and oil-rubbed bronze accessories.
But then, the Russians hacked our toilets. Or maybe a snake told Eve to take a bite out of an apple. But whatever it was, there’s gotta be a better explanation than Congress suddenly deciding our ‘business’ was their business, and decreeing that toilet tank capacities must be reduced by more than 75% to a puny 1.6 gallons today. Because you know, our world, whose surface has always been 70% water, is running out of water. Or something.
Now, not to brag or make anyone jealous, but we at Fix St Louis are the Zen Masters of toilet repair. We spend a lot of time with our heads in toilets, and can always get them working again.
Yes, we realize that given the amount of revenues we generate from fixing toilets, some of you might suspect Big Handyman lobbied Congress to make things this way. But no, we’re actually concerned it may be a national security risk for Americans to spend so much time with their pants down thinking about toilets, and believe these should be the FIRST regulations to be rolled back.
Don’t worry about us. If the government liberated our toilets so they worked again, we at Fix St Louis could keep ourselves plenty busy with your needs for other repairs on plumbing, electrical, drywall, carpentry, decks, fences, windows, doors, floors, and pretty much everything else.
But until then, welcome to McToilet – may we take your order?