|You have to admit, it’s not every week where the headlines feature a difference of opinion between the worldwide head of a church offering eternal life and a businessman boasting a rather short-lived string of self-named offerings that have included an Atlantic City casino, steaks, vodka, a board game, neckties, an airline, and even a university.
So, what does Fix St Louis have to say about uninvited guests penetrating our borders? Said no one at any time ever. Glad I asked. Actually, we have a lot of experiencein this area. Sort of.
While it’s TECHNICALLY true that we at Fix St Louisnever deal with the “immigration crisis”, we do deal with its very, VERY distant cousin, the “in-migration crisis”. By that we mean undocumented creatures penetrating yourhome’s borders, and doing a whole of damage. Sometimes they even leave behind nests with ‘anchor babies’ ensuring more damage to come. Termites, carpenter bees & ants, squirrels, raccoons, bats, and woodpeckers, for instance.
At Fix St Louis, we follow a two-step process. In fact, our first process goes SO FAR BEYOND what DonaldTrump would do that it makes him look like the Pope. Now, a few may be concerned that some pests, like carpenter bees, operate in the same vocational trade as Jesus. But, NO theologian we have consulted actually believes they have been made in the image of God.
So, we don’t bother trying to detain, relocate, re-educate, prosthelytize, convert, rehabilitate, or deport these creatures, with or without first matching them up with their family members. We EXTERMINATE them, so they can never come back to do more damage – at least not inthis mortal lifetime. (OK, sometimes we trap them if you prefer). Immediately afterward, we often cover the holes to keep other creatures out using a temporary method, until restoration can take place.
Then, only after we know the pests have been eternally removed, do we perform repairs, restoring your house to its original condition, with no reason to believe they will ever return. We’ll repair or replace the damaged siding, sheathing, lumber, drywall, insulation, shingles, soffits, paint, whatever was damaged.
If you’re always on edge, wondering what those sounds are that are coming from your attic or basement, and what damage is being done you don’t know about, you really should call the INS department here at Fix St Louis. We KNOW how to control YOUR borders, even if no one might know how to do that for our country.
If you spent Super Sunday sitting on a couch for hours, consuming large quantities of salted snacks, dip, and adult beverages, while watching Super Athletes compete, you may be feeling an urge to get up and get some exercise. But, it’s cold outside. And, let’s face it, you’re not exactly an IronMan or IronLady type who likes to wear yourself out by jogging, swimming, or biking.
That’s why Fix St Louis is proud to introduce the Door Triathlon, an indoor event in which even the most couch-potatoed homeowner can be a winner.
That’s a winner! You may resume your seated position on the couch, preferably one with a phone within arm’s length. To claim your medal, call Fix St Louis. We can fix every door problem you found, so you can nail your next Door Triathlon.
Many Missourians are frustrated this election season. Given that our March 15th Presidential caucus is still weeks away, we simply won’t have as much impact on the outcome as our Iowa neighbors to the
We at Fix St Louis feel your pain and have decided to do something about it. We have a plan that, in the meantime, will give you something meaningful to do, something more interesting to stare at than TV debates, and something that will have an even greater impact on your life than the next President of the United States.
We proudly introduce the Missouri Caulk-Us. Here’s how it works: First, stop watching those candidates on TV, get up from your chair, and walk to your bathtub. Now, look at the bathtub ledge. You see that once-white, once-solid hardened goop running along the perimeter? Pretty disgusting, huh? Worse yet, maybe some do-it-yourselfer in your household tried to cover it up with even more goop but didn’t have a good sense of how much to put on, or where it should go.
Also, while you’re there, do you see tiles where the grout is missing, letting water into the wall, possibly rotting it and loosening the tiles?
Now walk to your kitchen countertop and look at the similar white goop between the wall and either your backsplash or countertop. Is it discolored? Maybe brown, gray or black? Is it separating from the wall or countertop? Mind the gap (a little London Tube lingo there).
Yes, you SHOULD be angry to be living in a house where even hardened white goop mocks your cleaning habits. You’re not going to take it anymore. And, among all their fake promises, can you believe that not a single candidate from either party is offering a federal program to replace your caulk for free? Some don’t even think you have a right to own a CAULK gun!
Gawk at your caulk, then give Fix St. Louis a call. Let’s make America grout again.
Is it just me, or does it feel like someone up there just doesn’t like us, and is putting St. Louis through a test? First there was that massive rain storm that landed us on the front page of the national news. And now there’s this cold air blast.
Are your windows and doors keeping up? Did they keep all that water out? Any of that cold air coming into your house from around their edges or at the bottom?
Most homeowners are flummoxed by these problems because they can’t figure out who to call to fix them. There’s water involved, but not the kind that interests a plumber. There’s cold air coming in, but not the kind of thing you’d call a heating & air conditioning company for. And you might be avoiding calling a window & door company, afraid they might try to sell you on replacing ALL your windows & doors (BTW, you’d be right).
Yup, you guessed it. This is just the kind of thing you’d want to call Fix St. Louis for. We know all kinds of tricks to seal out water and cold air so they don’t enter your house. We can replace or add weatherstripping and door sweeps. We can adjust or replace the thresholds underneath doors. We can realign doors to remove gaps that might be letting cold air in. We can repair the holes and rot that often appear at the bottom of the door jambs. We can add insulation. And, if your situation is REALLY hopeless, or you just want better windows and doors, we can handle that, too.
There’s plenty of winter left, followed by lots of Spring showers. So, there’s no better time of year to get your home all sealed up.
Invite Fix St Louis into your home, and keep rain and cold out.
For many, the best Christmas lights are the tail lights of their holiday guests. Sure, you love those people and were thrilled to see them. But let’s be honest; you scrambled around for a month or so getting ready for them. And that’s also when you noticed all those little things that revealed the state of repair your house is REALLY in.
You probably repaired the most embarrassing stuff guests were most likely to notice. The cracks and holes in the walls, the faucets that go drip-drip-drip, and that ominous water stain on your family room ceiling just beneath the upstairs bathroom.
But some fixes you didn’t quite get to, maybe the cold air coming from under your front door or that bedroom door that takes a full body slam to close. And, perhaps your guests taught you about some other things that needed fixing in the rooms you don’t go into very much.
Why not make a New Year’s resolution that THIS YEAR you’ll spend ALL YEAR in a house fit for a guest? Just send us, Fix St Louis, an invitation to come over, and you can get the year off to a great start, knowing that at least ONE resolution was fulfilled.
Happy Holidays and Many Happy Repairs from Fix St Louis!
Well, THOSE days are sure gone! In an age when every little boy is diagnosed with ADD, and little girls are pre-occupied Facebooking, Tweeting, and Snapchatting, a fire is waaaay too boring to keep their attention. Americans just can’t shake that powerful urge to grab a remote to click away from the “fire channel.” And while some Nobel Prize-deserving inventor came up with the idea that gas fireplaces could have their OWN remotes with on-off and fire level controls, even THAT hasn’t been enough for our restless, hyper-stimulated nation.
Fortunately, I bring you good tidings of great joy. Because this Christmas season, this problem can be solved by Fix St Louis, who can mount a remote-controlled BIG SCREEN TV right above your mantel. And when I say BIG, I swear that some of you have screens that rival the Omnimax at the St. Louis Science Center.
After buying a TV, you may think that mounting it is as simple as 1-2-3. However, hanging a big screen TV is not as easy as hanging a picture. For one thing, there might be brick above your mantle, not a surface for traditional nails and screws. For another, what are you going to do with all those wires that want to hang straight down? Let them burn along with the yule log, filling your house with a burning rubber smell that doesn’t quite say “Christmas”?
Fortunately, Dr Steve’s not-so-little helpers at Fix St Louis can do some magical things to hide those wires. Like run wires behind drywall, install electrical outlets and a/v jacks behind mounted TV’s, even zig-zag wires through the cracks between bricks and bury them in mortar so no one will even know they are there!
So this season, you can watch a fire and change the channel, too! What a country! Merry Christmas and Many Happy Repairs from Fix St Louis!