It’s been sad to watch the decline of American civilization during my lifetime. I’m referring, of course, to the diminishing quality of the American toilet. And it’s all the government’s fault.
You see, back in 1979 reacting to limited fresh water supplies on the West Coast (only), our all-wise federal government surveyed the planet for solutions. Overlooking the, oh, 97% or so of the world’s water now sitting in our oceans ripe for desalinization, they broke into our bathrooms, pointed one finger at us and another at our toilet tanks and scolded, “Aha! You greedy Americans, how can you be using up to 7 gallons of water in your toilets while 3rd world countries are still digging holes in the ground?”
Since then, the feds have forced toilet manufacturers to reduce their tank capacities by more than 3/4 to a piddly 1.6 gallons today. And since water is to a toilet what electricity is to a light bulb, you can understand why we get so many calls from you guys to fix your toilets – toilets whose effectiveness have never been better than marginal at best. And why divas from Barbra Streisand to Beyoncé now specify 7 gallon tanks in their dressing room contracts (just kidding, I think).
Well, WE at Fix St Louis, at least, are NOT in the tank for the federal government. So, bring us your running toilets, your limp handles, your washed out washers, your leaky fittings, your flappy flappers, and your half-full or half-empty tanks (depending on your disposition).
We’ll be right there with you until we have defeated the DC toilet tyrants. Until you can fire-off a flush heard ’round the world, and unleash a 7 gallon gusher worthy of a free people!
Fix St Louis
St Louisans understand better than anyone that you can still be a big fan even when performance is disappointing and problems seem insurmountable. A helpful trait when your baseball team is 14 games behind the Cubs with only 5 weeks to go, to pick an implausible hypothetical.
Like most of you, we at Fix St Louis are big fans of ceiling fans. They can make you feel comfortable in a room in ways no other heating or cooling devices can, and with a negligible energy cost.
But sometimes, like baseball fans, ceiling fan fans encounter situations where they lose hope that there is any way out. They need someone beside them, like Fredbird, who is constantly smiling, wearing a costume (or uniform), sometimes making fun at their expense, but ensuring them everything is going to be all right. Other than that making fun part, that’s what we at Fix St Louis do.
Here’s a partial list of things Fix St Louis can do with ceiling fans you might not have thought possible.
What Yogi once said about baseball applies equally to ceiling fans – ‘it ain’t over till it’s over.’ Give Fix St Louis a call and give your ceiling fan hopes a chance.
Fix St Louis
Some people dream of the free and open road. But yours truly spends his life meandering through one-lane, unstriped streets and circling cul-de-sacs, ’round and ’round. All of which have the same names, just in different combinations – pine, oak, maple, forest, river, place, terrace, etc. And occasionally, caught-up in a suburban reverie, thoughts come to mind. Not deep thoughts. Maybe not even interesting thoughts. But, here is what passes as wisdom from this subdivision warrior:
Not that you ever asked me for career advice for your kids.
Would love to stay to chat, but the leafy roads of suburbia are calling. But while I may spend my life on the road, you can always reach us at our office. Hope to hear from you soon!
Fix St Louis
Sure, outside leaks can jeopardize the security of our nation. But on an admittedly much, much more trivial level, have you ever thought what outside leaks can do to your home? Didn’t think so.
In fact, we bet you never even think about that faucet on theoutside. The one you can hook-up a hose to, for watering your lawn and garden. Or to give your car a cold bath. Or to spray at your neighbor’s bratty kids to get them off your newly seeded lawn.
Never thinking about that faucet is a known dysfunction, what the Psychiatric Services Department at Fix St Louis refers to as “avoidance.” Because we know that many, if not most, of you now have some kind of problem with that faucet. Do any of these symptoms sound familiar?:
Fortunately, Fix St Louis is a whole lot better at fixing outsideleaks than the federal government, who these days is about as good at keeping secrets as Yenta the matchmaker (BTW, saw Fiddler at the MUNY Saturday – your handyman gives it 5 stars).
Unlike our betters in Washington, Fix St Louis can immediately discover the source of leaks and shut them down within an hour or two. Then, not only can we restore whatever was damaged, we can make the situation even better than before by installing frost-proof faucets that keep your pipes from freezing & cracking when it’s cold outside. We can even install additional water shut-off valves to keep water away from the outside walls, and access panels so you can reach these shut-offs even if you have a finished ceiling.
It’s no secret to Fix St Louis that many of you have problems with that leaking outside faucet. The first step is admitting you have a problem. And the next is calling us.
Ever notice how styles in home decorating, like hem lines, change every once in awhile for no apparent reason? Wallpaper was once in, and now it’s way, way out. And, have you ever watched realtors react when they see shiny brass fixtures in bathrooms? You’d think they’re Superman and your fixtures are made of Kryptonite.
To say that wall and floor tile are now undergoing a renaissance is technically a bit of a misnomer given that mosaics have been around for at least 5,000 years and the Renaissance was a bit of a low point. But, best I can tell, the most recent previous peak in their popularity was in the 1950’s and 60’s, at least based on the large quantities of Pepto Bismol Pink, Avocado Green, and Col. Mustard Gold ceramic tiles I see in all your homes. Geez, can’t imagine why people got tired of them.
But it seems like Big Tile recently made a big, albeit unremarkable discovery. Tiles did not have to be solid-colored shiny objects that only come in 4-1/4″ x 4-1/4″ squares! Who knew? They could be much larger, shaped like rectangles, or even come in brick shapes like on the NYC subway system. (Honestly, having grown-up in NYC, yours truly is incapable of getting this new tile craze, associating the subway with graffiti and bad smells that shall go unspecified).
Well, OK, if you’ve seen tile lately you know they’ve made a few more discoveries than that. They’re now making ceramic and porcelain tiles that look like just about anything, like stone, glass, and wood. If you haven’t wandered the tile aisle lately, you just won’t believe it.
There are some places in your home where tile is really the ONLY answer. Anyone who has ever put carpeting in their bathroom has made that mistake only once. And hardwood floors look great in a bathroom, but only until that inevitable day when water leaks from your toilet or sink drain pipes, and you’re faced with the dilemma of trying to make the floor look good again. And, given that we see just about everything, I have no doubt that someday we will run into someone who has tried to use carpeting or hardwood on their kitchen backsplash, but I’m hoping that’s not soon.
So, unless you’re trying to re-create the dome of the Cathedral Basilica on your vaulted ceiling, we at Fix St Louis are the folks to call. Join us as we help Make America Grout Again!
Fix St Louis
Britain has voted to become independent of the European Union, displaying that same spirit we inherited from them that led to our own independence.
Like the British, we’re just not that keen on letting other people tell us what to do. So I ask you, my fellow Americans, how could we have allowed our decks, who are not even people, to force us to do things we would rather not do. Like stain them every couple of years. Whose crazy idea of the pursuit of happiness is THAT?!
The sad truth is, we have become slaves to the preservation of our decks at the hands of a lumber-stain-handyman industrial complex. They reap windfall profits while you are caught-up in a repetitive and expensive task, not to mention a staining job that truth-be-told never looks all that good anyway.
So, we hope you will join Fix St Louis and Sherwin Williams in our crusade to make the ongoing staining of your deck something of the past – something you’ll do only about as often as you’d paint your house – virtually NEVER.
Let Fix St Louis apply Sherwin Williams’ elastomeric deck product, an alternative to deck stain or paint (actually, it’s a coating). The elastomeric technology fills small gaps in your deck lumber, and the coating expands and contracts with the temperature to resist cracking.
It comes in all sorts of shades and colors, and looks much better than standard stains and paints – I can show you samples on real wood. And it doesn’t cost a whole lot more than applying regular deck stain or paint.
You’ve now spent a 3-day weekend thinking about how great it is to have independence. Now, let’s go out there and do something about it. Let Fix St Louis stain your deck one last time, then let freedom ring
Fix St Louis