With the government shutdown now underway, we all brace for the imminent catastrophe Washington claims is about to befall us. Accordingly, we the non-non-essential employees of Fix St Louis are stepping forward, and we pledge to do everything in our power to minimize the threat posed by the loss of 25% of our federal government.
We will keep you safe by installing those cool new video doorbells, and repairing or replacing your smoke alarms, CO2 detectors, and entry door locksets. And, we will re-secure all those off-track doors and detaching shelves so that they don’t fall on the heads of your loved ones or fellow Americans.
We are here to ensure that the lumber that keeps your home from collapsing is replaced and braced as needed. This includes rotted deck posts that are sinking into the ground, front porch posts with deteriorated base trim and bottoms, bowing floor joists, water-damaged boards at the base of your walls, and termite-damaged boards that rest on your foundation walls. As one of our greatest Presidents once said, a house subsided will not stand.
We will ruthlessly end all leaks in your house, whether arriving by air or “sea.” We at Fix St Louis can weatherstrip your doors to seal-off the outside air, and stop the water dripping from your sink/shower/tub faucets, down below in your sink cabinets, or from your outside faucets. As Benjamin Franklin once said, “a small leak will sink a great ship.” (He MUST have said that. I read it on the Internet).
Perhaps the greatest hardship of all will be the loss of the regulatory guidance we all need to live our day-to-day lives. Plastic straws will continue to be available. The march toward barely-operating toilets that require only a teaspoon of water to flush will be placed on hold. If your sink drains too slowly, it will not immediately be declared a wetland, so you may unsafely be continuing to use it. And you might find that the highly-regulated light bulb aisle at Home Depot will look EXACTLY the same if you visit the store twice in the same week.
Well, I gotta run. I need to find a temp agency to handle my diplomatic needs because the State Department is closed, and to handle my crony capitalism needs to fill-in for the Commerce Department. You know, if the nation’s suffering goes on too long, and the two parties can’t find the money to build the wall, Fix St Louis may just volunteer our OWN services. We build walls all the time.
It’s hard to be nestled all snug in your bed, while visions of a flooded basement dance in your head. We get it. Amidst your pre-holiday schedule there arose such a clatter, you had to defer a few home repair matters. Yes, you INTENDED to get those dripping faucets fixed during the pre-Christmas FIXmas season, but that time flew-by faster than Cupid, Donner and Blitzen.
So, why not make your FIRST New Year’s resolution one you can cross-off immediately – a resolution that will give you great tidings of comfort and joy for all of next year. Shutdown that drip-drip-drip on ALL of your faucets. Every last one of them. Not just some phony PARTIAL shutdown like from our perpetually-leaking Federal government, but a REAL TOTAL shutdown.
Don’t mean to laugh, but it’s funny listening to homeowners describe the stages of denial and grief they go through before they finally accept they need our help to stop their kitchen faucet leak. At first, they try to convince themselves it only happens sometimes, then they convince themselves it will go away by itself. Then they go through a sort-of “bargaining” stage where they put their lever handle through a choreographed set of movements with an unusual ending position to make the dripping stop.
Yes, we can fix those leaks. But honestly, among our happiest customers are those who learn in the process that newer faucets don’t have a separate spray handle because it’s built right into the faucet stem, and as long as we’re out there they’d rather have us install one of those.
These faucets drip, too, and we can fix them. But could this be a sign from the heavens that it’s time to replace that crummy faucet, which you never much liked in the first place? Folks are often reluctant to call us for this dripping because they think it’s too small a problem to bother a contractor with. Well, that may be true for everyone else, but NOT for Fix St Louis. Remember, we SPECIALIZE in small jobs.
What about those faucets sticking out from the sides of your house, usually low to the ground? These faucets are probably the MOST susceptible to leaks. Not just dripping from the spout, but also spraying all over the place when you turn them on. Sometimes, they even leak within the wall!
The two most common causes of these exterior faucet leaks are: 1) VERY low temperatures freezing the water inside, until it expands and bursts the pipe walls; and 2) Since these faucets tend to be used very rarely, gaskets that have become hard, dried, and compressed, so they no longer do their job.
Sometimes we can fix these faucets from the outside. Other times we can replace them easily with a new frost-resistant faucet if there’s an unfinished room or drop ceiling on the other side. Worst case, we can make the replacement by cutting-into the finished/painted drywall on the inside, then either cover the cut area with a plastic access panel (to make repairs easier the next time) or patch and paint the area. BTW, a specialized plumber, who will not provide one-stop shopping like we do, is more likely to leave you with a hole in your drywall, maybe with the cut piece of drywall screwed back in place. Instead, we’ll leave you with a fully-restored wall – mudded, taped, properly-textured, and painted.
Ever notice those hard-to-reach faucet handles behind your toilets, beneath your sinks, or in various places in your unfinished basement? Sometimes they’re handy if you want to shut-off the water to a particular fixture, but not shut-off all the water in the house. Well, those can drip, too, and Fix St Louis can fix and replace them. Folks seem to like it when we offer to replace them with the new ones that have a lever that just needs a quarter turn to shut it off, instead of turning a circular handle round-and-round-and-round.
Look, we get it. “Faucets that don’t drip” is not the reason for the season. We reluctantly acknowledge that Mariah Carey wouldn’t have gone platinum with “All I Want for Christmas is a Faucet that Doesn’t Drip.” But after all the holiday craziness is all over, and you get around to it, give Fix St Louis a call. You deserve a few silent nights.
Ah, another tune bound for the timeless collection of treasured FIXmas classics. Perfect background music for the current pre-Christmas season when homes get repaired for the holidays.
Gone are the happy golden days of yore, when a roaring fire could keep the family together in rapt attention for hours. Thankfully, there’s still 500 TV channels, so they can occasionally turn away from their texts, Instagrams, Snapchats, and Tweets, and gaze up in awe.
But until big screen TV’s hover like drones, or science invents a cure for gravity, you are probably going to need some help getting that formerly-named “boob tube” mounted on a wall. Tapping nails into walls won’t do it, even if you use those fancy-schmancy j-shaped picture hangers. And what if the wall surface is BRICK, like above a fireplace?
Beyond that, so let’s say you DO have the wherewithal to get that TV mounted on a wall. What about all those wires? Do you really like the way they drop down to the fireplace mantel shelf, snake off to one side, then down to the floor?
This is how we at Fix St Louis get to play Santa. We don’t perform the magic of delivering gifts to all the world’s children over a single night, but we do perform the magic of mounting TV’s to any wall surface. And while we might not be able to slide our handyman bodies down chimneys, we do know how to hide wires by fishing them through walls.
So imagine waking up to this on Christmas morning. There’s a TV above your fireplace, and hidden behind it are two things the TV is plugged into – an electrical outlet and a jack for the audio/video wire. Now look to the table, shelf, or cabinet to one side of the fireplace. There’s that cable box to which you point your remote, and behind it are two things it’s plugged into – an electrical outlet and a jack for an audio/video wire that is connected behind the wall to the jack behind the TV. See? No wires are showing!
At least in this one area, your life can be as perfect as the lives of the characters in a Hallmark Christmas movie. Your home can be as perfect as theirs, too! In any event, it’s a start.
So as the clock ticks down to the time your guests arrive, keep Fix St Louis in mind for those repairs you hoped to complete in the nick of time before St Nick arrives.
Now, let’s go for a big ending on our song:
Though there’s things to fix, in less than twen-ty days…
Merry FIXmas, to you!
Merry Christmas and Many Happy Repairs from Fix St Louis!
Could it really be the FIXmas season, already? Those few weeks before Christmas when the reason for the season is getting your house in shape for holiday guests?
No time to waste! Let’s kick things off, turn to page 12 in your FixSt Louis songbook, and this time I want to hear EVERYONE singing, even those of you way back in the cul-de-sacs:
On the 12th day of FIXmas, my handyman fixed for me:
12 toilets running,
11 dryers venting,
10 drains a-leaking,
9 mirrors hanging,
8 doors weather-stripping,
7 outlets sparking,
6 tiles a-laying,
5 wax toi-let ri-ings,
4 falling shelves,
3 French doors,
2 pendant lights above,
And an off-track do-or on a pan-try.
Wow, I’m going to need a minute to compose myself. That FIXmas classic never fails to bring to a tear to this old handyman’s eyes.
But, there’s work to be done, so let’s wrap-up with one more timeless favorite. Let me hear you on 1, 2, 3…
It’s beginning to look a lot like FIXmas,
Everywhere you go.
Take a look at the caulk and grout,
’round your shower and bathtub spout,
And clogged drains causing sinks to overflow.
It’s beginning to look a lot like FIXmas,
Cracked tiles on every floor.
But the best thing there is to know,
there’s still time before guests show,
At your own front door!
Merry Christmas and Many Happy Repairs from Fix St Louis!
As your humble handyman who drives round and round through your cul-de-sacs every day, I pick-up some unique takes on life. For instance, occasionally my pick-up truck gets chased by dogs, but once they catch up they have NO IDEA what to do with it. Now, not to equate politicians with dogs but — OK, so let’s go ahead and equate politicians with dogs — after these horrible every-two-year chases to gain control of the House, does either party ever remember why they wanted it in the first place, and do much of anything differently? So, what’s the point?
So, I’ve got a modest proposal. Instead of spending all that time, anxiety, anger, hate, and dirty special interest money on elections to the U.S. House of Representatives, why not spend it on your OWN HOUSE, to benefit the best special interest there is — you and your family. There’s no need to feel guilty or selfish — this country was founded in part so you could “pursue happiness,” like living in a nice home. On the other hand, how much “happiness” did you see from anybody in the latest pursuit to control Congress?
So, where do you begin to gain control of YOUR house? Well, it makes no sense to call politicians for the answer because they don’t know anything. Hey, let’s call the police! You see, years ago, they invented a program called “Zero Tolerance” that seems to work everywhere it’s tried. The idea is that you fix even the smallest problems, like a crack in a window. This sets a new higher standard for what is acceptable in your home maintenance — that even the smallest problem must be fixed. Next thing you know, the bigger problems REALLY get noticed and stand out, and they get fixed, too. And they keep getting fixed in the future.
Based on our experience repairing homes like yours, here’s a suggested list of small things that may need fixing:
Ten Biggest Small Repairs for Zero Tolerance Program
Zero Tolerance is a good game to play this time of year. Imagine that your nosiest, most fastidious, and most critical relatives will be coming over for Thanksgiving. Now imagine your house the way THEY see it. How would that make you feel? If that doesn’t work, imagine that the Attorney General has just hired a Special Prosecutor to dig into the state of your home maintenance, and can potentially embarrass you, destroy your career, and maybe even put you in jail. Got it? It’s OK, everything will be all right. Here’s our phone number at Fix St Louis, 314-434-4100.
Now, go forth boldly, ignore every single self-help guru who has ever lived, and SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF! Your house will be in better shape and you and your family will be happier. One exception — technically, the US House is small stuff. They should just be ignored.
While you have been watching the TV drama play-out, thousands of Hondurans and Guatemalans marching toward our borders, you may have been missing a different type of invasion that is literally happening all around you – one that may impact you much more directly.
As someone who’s had the privilege of living the American Dream of home ownership, you may not realize that YOUR home IN PARTICULAR is the envy of literally thousands. And as the weather has gotten colder, these individuals have become MORE emboldened, and are ready to cross your borders, penetrate your walls, and move in with you without your permission.
But there’s good news. In this case, nobody will accuse you of being a racist, bigot, or xenophobe if you refer to them as “pests,” fortify your walls, or even call for their extermination! So, let’s get to work:
Notice any perfectly round holes, maybe a couple of inches in diameter, cut into the sides of your home – sometimes accompanied by a soundtrack of repetitive knocking sounds? Looks like you’ve taken on a woodpecker as a tenant, living the good life without the burdens of rent or a mortgage. Now it’s not enough to call Fix St Louis to simply patch that hole because, once we’re done, the freeloader is likely to return, this time carving-out another entrance just a few inches away. So, we’ll work with you in conjunction with a pest control company (we like ASAP All Seasons All Pests at 314-757-6846) to trap the woodpecker first, then relocate him to a place far, far away where he can fully live out the remainder of his adult life (or at least that’s the story you can tell your kids!).
Sure they’re cute, but beneath those pleasant demeanors lurk aggressive, persistent, and surprisingly strong creatures that are fiercely protective of their families. They chew holes in roofs and siding, and poke their way into those under-hanging soffits beneath roofs, before turning your attic into a penthouse for their families. Once again before Fix St Louis fixes the damage, like with woodpeckers, they need to be transported to VERY remote locations, including squirrel “heaven” (yes, that’s the story to tell your kids).
You know, I feel a little bad about dishing on carpenter bees given that they, like Jesus, chose to associate with our profession. But frankly, I’m not all that impressed with their carpentry work, which mostly consists of drilling holes in decks and interior trim that house their baby nests, and are used during hibernation. Sometimes these holes are elongated horizontally by woodpeckers who either think they can improve upon the bees’ artistry or like to snack on nested bee babies. We can patch these holes, which often seems like enough to make them relocate themselves, but if you’ve got a lot of them you might want to consult a pest specialist for treatment.
Now THESE are the ISIS terrorists of the pest world, and they must be shown no mercy. They sneak into homes undetected, then start EATING your floors and structural framing of your house, for gosh sakes, with their work often going undetected FOR YEARS! The visible traces of their work on exposed surfaces are often pretty subtle, like a thin mud-colored line or puffed-out surfaces. But once the underlying damage is exposed it’s usually shocking.
First step is to bring in a pest control company to map-out the damage (doing even more damage to your house just to fully expose the problem). Then, they’ll treat your house for termites. After that, call Fix St Louis to plug the holes and gaps in your exterior walls through which they entered (often ironically near the front door as if they’re dissing you for not having been invited). Then, we’ll restore your house to normal.
These guys often enter houses in September, and hibernate through the winter. They usually enter through the gaps in and around doors, windows, and siding. You should consider asking your pest control company whether having Fix St Louis patch holes or caulk gaps around your doors, windows, and siding might help.
Unfortunately, there are also creatures who damage houses who are FULLY documented. Like dogs and cats. When it comes to their damage – we’re not proud – go ahead and think of Fix St Louis as the guys with the push brooms at the end of elephant parades. We can restore whatever they destroy.
Sorry to be pests who ruined your weekend, pointing out problems you didn’t know you had. But maybe we’re just the pests you need to protect and restore your home.