Maybe I missed it, but with all the campaign promises made this season, I don’t recall a SINGLE candidate promising to fix that closet door in your house that is falling off its tracks. Can you believe it?
That’s too bad, because that would probably give you more day-to-day satisfaction, and at much less cost, than either a wall OR free college tuition for all of your children and pets. It’s no wonder two-thirds of the country thinks the nation is on the wrong track – perhaps the candidates are LOOKING at the wrong track.
For all you closet door junkies out there, you should know that there are three key demographic groups. The ‘swingers’ are the standard closet doors that swing open and shut. They tend to be ignored by homeowners because they rarely cause problems other than an occasional need for realignment between the latch and the striker plate, or rubbing against the side jambs and flooring. We at Fix St Louis know how to rein-in these unruly swingers.
The ‘sliders’ are the closet doors with those heavy door slabs that slide left and right, bypassing each other. These doors are somewhat less predictable than the swingers, as they sometimes fall off their tracks. Some even develop their own unauthorized in-and-out swing, jumping the surly bonds of door guides attached to the floor. We at Fix St Louis can keep these sliders sliding.
Then, there are the doors that think they’re the hippest of them all – the ‘bi-folders’. These are the doors with the accordion-type moves, with each door split and hinged in the middle. But not only can these doors fall off their tracks, they can also get hopelessly stuck in really awkward, partially expanded positions. Yep, Fix St Louis can bring these doors back into the fold, too.
Hmmm. So, maybe the federal government DOESN’T need to do every stinkin’ thing for us. Maybe we DON’T need a federal agency regulating closet doors after all.
No, that’s just crazy talk. But, remember…. when it comes to closet doors, nobody has a better track record than Fix St Louis.
Fix St Louis
Well, last night’s debate was quite the spectacle. But it was not the only current debate featuring hot air, smoke, slime, and the possibility of coughing.
The other debate is about the hood duct above your cooktop. Is it OK to have one that just recirculates filtered exhaust back into the kitchen, or do you need one that sends that exhaust into a duct and out of the house?
For a lot of folks, it doesn’t matter where exhaust goes. Between microwaving and trips to McDonald’s, preparing the typical American meal doesn’t require loud sizzles, billows of smoke, and ear-splitting smoke detector alarms, unless the food preparer has really, really screwed-up big time.
On the other hand, there are folks who really love to fry because of taste or ethnic preferences, like traditional Chinese and Indian dishes. For some of this cooking, sending all that smoke outside is an absolute must, not an option.
We have good news for those who cook that way. Whatever appliance or cabinet is mounted above your cooktop now, we have a reasonably-priced option to fit in a duct, and run the exhaust out through the roof or the side of the house.
Sometimes we run the duct straight up, passing through the inside of that over-the-range cabinet. Or, behind the wall. Sometimes we continue its run sideways along the top of the cabinet, while other times we’ll run it through a new or existing soffit. We even know how to install a hood over an island, and then run the duct through the ceiling.
The point is, we can run that exhaust to the outside in just about any situation, and your head will not sizzle, burst into flames, and generate billows of smoke from sticker shock when you hear the price.
Just because our politicians spend all their time (and our money) in smoke-filled rooms, doesn’t mean you have to. Give us a call, and let us help you fry with the eagles!
Fix St Louis
It’s been sad to watch the decline of American civilization during my lifetime. I’m referring, of course, to the diminishing quality of the American toilet. And it’s all the government’s fault.
You see, back in 1979 reacting to limited fresh water supplies on the West Coast (only), our all-wise federal government surveyed the planet for solutions. Overlooking the, oh, 97% or so of the world’s water now sitting in our oceans ripe for desalinization, they broke into our bathrooms, pointed one finger at us and another at our toilet tanks and scolded, “Aha! You greedy Americans, how can you be using up to 7 gallons of water in your toilets while 3rd world countries are still digging holes in the ground?”
Since then, the feds have forced toilet manufacturers to reduce their tank capacities by more than 3/4 to a piddly 1.6 gallons today. And since water is to a toilet what electricity is to a light bulb, you can understand why we get so many calls from you guys to fix your toilets – toilets whose effectiveness have never been better than marginal at best. And why divas from Barbra Streisand to Beyoncé now specify 7 gallon tanks in their dressing room contracts (just kidding, I think).
Well, WE at Fix St Louis, at least, are NOT in the tank for the federal government. So, bring us your running toilets, your limp handles, your washed out washers, your leaky fittings, your flappy flappers, and your half-full or half-empty tanks (depending on your disposition).
We’ll be right there with you until we have defeated the DC toilet tyrants. Until you can fire-off a flush heard ’round the world, and unleash a 7 gallon gusher worthy of a free people!
Fix St Louis
St Louisans understand better than anyone that you can still be a big fan even when performance is disappointing and problems seem insurmountable. A helpful trait when your baseball team is 14 games behind the Cubs with only 5 weeks to go, to pick an implausible hypothetical.
Like most of you, we at Fix St Louis are big fans of ceiling fans. They can make you feel comfortable in a room in ways no other heating or cooling devices can, and with a negligible energy cost.
But sometimes, like baseball fans, ceiling fan fans encounter situations where they lose hope that there is any way out. They need someone beside them, like Fredbird, who is constantly smiling, wearing a costume (or uniform), sometimes making fun at their expense, but ensuring them everything is going to be all right. Other than that making fun part, that’s what we at Fix St Louis do.
Here’s a partial list of things Fix St Louis can do with ceiling fans you might not have thought possible.
What Yogi once said about baseball applies equally to ceiling fans – ‘it ain’t over till it’s over.’ Give Fix St Louis a call and give your ceiling fan hopes a chance.
Fix St Louis
Some people dream of the free and open road. But yours truly spends his life meandering through one-lane, unstriped streets and circling cul-de-sacs, ’round and ’round. All of which have the same names, just in different combinations – pine, oak, maple, forest, river, place, terrace, etc. And occasionally, caught-up in a suburban reverie, thoughts come to mind. Not deep thoughts. Maybe not even interesting thoughts. But, here is what passes as wisdom from this subdivision warrior:
Not that you ever asked me for career advice for your kids.
Would love to stay to chat, but the leafy roads of suburbia are calling. But while I may spend my life on the road, you can always reach us at our office. Hope to hear from you soon!
Fix St Louis
Sure, outside leaks can jeopardize the security of our nation. But on an admittedly much, much more trivial level, have you ever thought what outside leaks can do to your home? Didn’t think so.
In fact, we bet you never even think about that faucet on theoutside. The one you can hook-up a hose to, for watering your lawn and garden. Or to give your car a cold bath. Or to spray at your neighbor’s bratty kids to get them off your newly seeded lawn.
Never thinking about that faucet is a known dysfunction, what the Psychiatric Services Department at Fix St Louis refers to as “avoidance.” Because we know that many, if not most, of you now have some kind of problem with that faucet. Do any of these symptoms sound familiar?:
Fortunately, Fix St Louis is a whole lot better at fixing outsideleaks than the federal government, who these days is about as good at keeping secrets as Yenta the matchmaker (BTW, saw Fiddler at the MUNY Saturday – your handyman gives it 5 stars).
Unlike our betters in Washington, Fix St Louis can immediately discover the source of leaks and shut them down within an hour or two. Then, not only can we restore whatever was damaged, we can make the situation even better than before by installing frost-proof faucets that keep your pipes from freezing & cracking when it’s cold outside. We can even install additional water shut-off valves to keep water away from the outside walls, and access panels so you can reach these shut-offs even if you have a finished ceiling.
It’s no secret to Fix St Louis that many of you have problems with that leaking outside faucet. The first step is admitting you have a problem. And the next is calling us.