While beauty may fade with age, we are not alone – it is a fate we share with our decks. They come into this world made of freshly cut lumber, and are even stained and sealed to preserve their appearance. But just like us, time, weather, the harshness of the sun, and gravity eventually take their toll.
We at Fix St Louis are proud to join the great tradition of our colleagues in the medical profession to reverse these effects, as we extend the practice of plastic surgery todecks. We would ask that you give your deck a thorough examination for symptoms, and consider whether any of the following procedures may be right for you:
Call now for a free consultation, more commonly known as a “free estimate”. Unlike our medical peers, we DO make house calls.
Many may believe that the 3 greatest salesmen of all time were PT Barnum, Veg-O-Matic’s Ron Popeil, and Donald Trump.
But, I’ve got another candidate. It’s the fellow who convinced people with beautiful homes to attach a stack of raw lumber to the back, commonly known as a ‘deck.” These decks require an ongoing, expensive maintenance procedure called ‘staining’, which most people don’t do nearly often enough to keep them from deteriorating, and looking really, really bad – even those fancy-schmancy decks made of cedar.
But, it gets worse. Decks often lead to ongoing anxiety among homeowners who feel guilty they have let theirdeck go. In turn, this can lead to a mental condition called ‘deck avoidance,” shunning use of their decks because it exacerbates their guilt.
So, here’s the offer you’ve been waiting for. Fix St Louisis proud to announce there is now a MIRACLE CURE for both the physical condition of decks and the mental condition of their long-suffering owners. The mad scientists at Sherwin Williams have introduced a line of products that is neither a stain nor a paint, but leaves thedeck with a COATING of . . . well, maybe you should ask Sherwin Williams.
The technology behind these products, ‘elastomeric’, allows the coating to expand and contract with the temperature to resist cracking. It even fills existing cracks. Some claim this product can look great and last more than 10 years, although it appears that the lawyers at Sherwin Williams don’t permit their selling materials to brag.
But, that’s not all! This product is sold in a kit that includes folks who can apply it. That’s us! Call now for our always-free Fix St Louis estimate, and your free estimate will be absolutely free! Why suffer from deck-o-phobia one minute longer? Operators are standing by!
OK, members of our studio audience. Let’s play JEOPARDY. The category is home repairs, and the answer is…”Yes, I need to do something someday before someone gets hurt”. Tick-tick-tick-tick-buzz. Nobody? The question was “What does “Fix St Louis hear every time they point out uneven walkway slabs (also accepted: a sunken last slab that makes the step-up to the porch too high)?”
So, what’s with that? What makes otherwise responsible homeowners freeze-up like final round contestants on Jeopardy whenever discussing the trip hazards on the way to their front door? And, why are they willing to PLACE into jeopardy a couple of bags of spilled groceries, their children’s kneecaps, and Aunt Mattie’s hip?
The first reason is that homeowners mistakenly think this is a huge repair, perhaps requiring the replacement of ALL of their slabs, plus a Bobcat, plus a backhoe, plus a cement mixer, plus a 2nd mortgage. The other reason they do nothing is they have no idea what type of company to call to make these repairs.
Actually, no, it’s usually not a big job. And, yes, of course we can handle this (otherwise, why would we be bringing this up in the first place?).
In case you’re wondering, the solution is usually not demolishing and re-pouring slabs, but drilling holes in the slabs, and pumping material under pressure beneath the slabs so they float up, back into position. It’s called concrete leveling. Sorta like what mudjackers do, if you’ve seen that done.
So now, you no longer have to get on Jeopardy and get every answer right, just to prove to your neighbors you’re smarter than they are. You can do this AND end the possibility of serious injury to your loved ones (and unloved solicitors) by giving Fix St Louis a call.
|You have to admit, it’s not every week where the headlines feature a difference of opinion between the worldwide head of a church offering eternal life and a businessman boasting a rather short-lived string of self-named offerings that have included an Atlantic City casino, steaks, vodka, a board game, neckties, an airline, and even a university.
So, what does Fix St Louis have to say about uninvited guests penetrating our borders? Said no one at any time ever. Glad I asked. Actually, we have a lot of experiencein this area. Sort of.
While it’s TECHNICALLY true that we at Fix St Louisnever deal with the “immigration crisis”, we do deal with its very, VERY distant cousin, the “in-migration crisis”. By that we mean undocumented creatures penetrating yourhome’s borders, and doing a whole of damage. Sometimes they even leave behind nests with ‘anchor babies’ ensuring more damage to come. Termites, carpenter bees & ants, squirrels, raccoons, bats, and woodpeckers, for instance.
At Fix St Louis, we follow a two-step process. In fact, our first process goes SO FAR BEYOND what DonaldTrump would do that it makes him look like the Pope. Now, a few may be concerned that some pests, like carpenter bees, operate in the same vocational trade as Jesus. But, NO theologian we have consulted actually believes they have been made in the image of God.
So, we don’t bother trying to detain, relocate, re-educate, prosthelytize, convert, rehabilitate, or deport these creatures, with or without first matching them up with their family members. We EXTERMINATE them, so they can never come back to do more damage – at least not inthis mortal lifetime. (OK, sometimes we trap them if you prefer). Immediately afterward, we often cover the holes to keep other creatures out using a temporary method, until restoration can take place.
Then, only after we know the pests have been eternally removed, do we perform repairs, restoring your house to its original condition, with no reason to believe they will ever return. We’ll repair or replace the damaged siding, sheathing, lumber, drywall, insulation, shingles, soffits, paint, whatever was damaged.
If you’re always on edge, wondering what those sounds are that are coming from your attic or basement, and what damage is being done you don’t know about, you really should call the INS department here at Fix St Louis. We KNOW how to control YOUR borders, even if no one might know how to do that for our country.
If you spent Super Sunday sitting on a couch for hours, consuming large quantities of salted snacks, dip, and adult beverages, while watching Super Athletes compete, you may be feeling an urge to get up and get some exercise. But, it’s cold outside. And, let’s face it, you’re not exactly an IronMan or IronLady type who likes to wear yourself out by jogging, swimming, or biking.
That’s why Fix St Louis is proud to introduce the Door Triathlon, an indoor event in which even the most couch-potatoed homeowner can be a winner.
That’s a winner! You may resume your seated position on the couch, preferably one with a phone within arm’s length. To claim your medal, call Fix St Louis. We can fix every door problem you found, so you can nail your next Door Triathlon.
Many Missourians are frustrated this election season. Given that our March 15th Presidential caucus is still weeks away, we simply won’t have as much impact on the outcome as our Iowa neighbors to the
We at Fix St Louis feel your pain and have decided to do something about it. We have a plan that, in the meantime, will give you something meaningful to do, something more interesting to stare at than TV debates, and something that will have an even greater impact on your life than the next President of the United States.
We proudly introduce the Missouri Caulk-Us. Here’s how it works: First, stop watching those candidates on TV, get up from your chair, and walk to your bathtub. Now, look at the bathtub ledge. You see that once-white, once-solid hardened goop running along the perimeter? Pretty disgusting, huh? Worse yet, maybe some do-it-yourselfer in your household tried to cover it up with even more goop but didn’t have a good sense of how much to put on, or where it should go.
Also, while you’re there, do you see tiles where the grout is missing, letting water into the wall, possibly rotting it and loosening the tiles?
Now walk to your kitchen countertop and look at the similar white goop between the wall and either your backsplash or countertop. Is it discolored? Maybe brown, gray or black? Is it separating from the wall or countertop? Mind the gap (a little London Tube lingo there).
Yes, you SHOULD be angry to be living in a house where even hardened white goop mocks your cleaning habits. You’re not going to take it anymore. And, among all their fake promises, can you believe that not a single candidate from either party is offering a federal program to replace your caulk for free? Some don’t even think you have a right to own a CAULK gun!
Gawk at your caulk, then give Fix St. Louis a call. Let’s make America grout again.