We know many of you are understandably concerned about how you will keep your home in good shape without the help of the federal government, in the event of another shutdown. Please be assured there is no need to panic. All of our handymen here at Fix St Louis have now been reclassified as “essential personnel,” so will be on-the-job. We have also put together this contingency plan to keep up with the federal government’s priorities.
Draining the Swamp — We will continue to drain the swamp, or more accurately fix the drain leaks that create the yucky swamps at the bottom of your kitchen and bath sink cabinets. BTW, did you know we can repair or even replace the deteriorated floors of your sink cabinets?
Building Walls — For whatever reason, our work building walls and fences has never been questioned, and we continue to build (or remove) them based upon Executive Orders from our customers.
Wetlands — We’ve heard that some of your bathroom sinks and tubs drain so slowly that the EPA has designated them “wetlands,” banning you from further remodeling projects. If true, we’d like to hear from you, and get this work done before the government reopens.
Regulations — Regular readers know I am a regular whiner about what the poopy-heads in our federal government have done to the great American toilet, reducing tank capacities by more than 75% to a piddly 1.6 gallons today. A government shutdown could only HELP, slowing down the inevitable march to — what? A tank capacity of 2 water drops? Then, you’d need to call Fix St Louis every time you needed your toilet flushed!
Climate Change — Believe me, with these recent cold temperatures, if we could do ANYTHING to change the climate, we would. Meanwhile, we are doing our best to keep up with your home repairs through a combination of your patience and our frequent schedule shifting of inside and outside jobs. In a rare bipartisan consensus, 98% of climate scientists now predict that our area will be warmer in the Spring, although many still claim the sky is falling.
Dreamers — We love working with those who dream of more beautiful kitchens, walls without cracks, and toilets that flow like the River Jordan. We will ensure that the fulfillment of your dreams will not be impacted by the shutdown.
Hey, did you hear about the big endorsement we got from Washington the other day? At least one Member of Congress declared that the cost of most of our jobs is so small that it can be considered to be “CRUMBS!” So, why suffer through the shutdown, when you can fix the crummy things about your home for just crumbs?
So now the latest thing is Oprah should run for President because, well, because she’s Oprah. You can almost imagine her packing her Cabinet with real and kind-of doctors, like Dr Phil and Dr Oz. And yet, it seems unlikely she’d anoint THIS faux doctor, Dr Steve, even though I’d be only one who knew anything at all about REAL cabinets. That’s because, unlike Oprah, we at Fix St Louis must live in the REAL world.
Unlike Oprah, when things break we can’t just go out and buy all of our customers’ new houses. When our customers have broken toilets, no amount of Oprah-empathy is going to get those toilets to heal themselves. You also can’t fix a toilet by reading an Oprah-promoted bestseller that suggests that, if you think enough positive thoughts about that toilet, there are laws of attraction that will deliver the fixed toilet you’ve always yearned for.
So, let me humbly offer this partial list of home repair items that Oprah (and possibly, you) really can’t, won’t, and maybe shouldn’t even try to take on – those that might be best left to the REAL PROFESSIONALS at Fix St Louis, even though we don’t happen to be REAL DOCTORS.
Hey, maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe Oprah’s long-term partner relationship is all about things like having someone always there to unclog her toilets. Still, if she didn’t have Stedman, she’d need Fix St Louis.
On Christmas morning, many St Louis families will be gathering in their Family or Great Rooms to open presents and celebrate the holidays. And, it’s a pretty safe bet that when they look toward the heavens, nobody is going to see a bright star in the East or anywhere else, because they’ll be indoors and it will be daytime.
But it’s also a safe bet that those in rooms with vaulted ceilings will see one or more burned-out bulbs. Part of the reason is that, as far as we know, no one has ever granted light bulbs the gift of eternal life. But the bigger reason is that many builders don’t have on their staffs so much as one Wise Man to ask the question of how in the world a homebuyer is going to change light bulbs that are 18 feet off the ground.
While we at Fix St Louis are quite humble about the contributions we make to mankind, and for good reason, we must confess that on this one very worldly issue we can function somewhat like your personal savior. For instance, we would guess you don’t own a step ladder tall enough so that you could touch a vaulted ceiling. We do. We would also guess that you are not crazy enough to climb to the top of said ladder to do something as trivial as change a light bulb. We are.
And while we’re up there, we can do other useful things. Like replace your old light fixture with a new one. Or add can lights whether or not there’s electricity up there. Or install or replace a ceiling fan. Or maybe even replace those standard light bulbs with new-tech ones that, while never the same each time you visit a hardware store, always claim to last much longer, so you won’t have to call us as often to change your bulbs.
You might want to think of Fix St Louis as your home repair angels who can slip the surly bonds of Earth to touch the face of your ceiling. No, actually even better. Angels won’t repair your toilets!
On the 12th day of FiXmas my handyman fixed for me…
12 toilets running
11 walls a cracking
10 drains a leaking
9 pictures hanging
8 lights a blinking
7 storm doors slamming
6 tiles a laying
5 wax toilet ringssss………
4 falling shelves
3 French doors
2 slow-draining tubs
and an off-track door on a pantryyyy………
WOW is all I can say. That FiXmas classic never fails to bring to a tear to this old handyman’s eyes. Well, we’re well into the FiXmas season, so:
Grab that to-do list, checking it twice.
Get those repairs done now, take our advice.
Christmas guests are coming to town.
Merry Christmas and Many Happy Repairs from Fix St Louis!
The tell-tale signs are all around us. Your favorite radio station just switched to Christmas music, Schnucks is pushing whole turkeys. Furniture stores are running semi-annual going-out-of-business sales.
This can only mean one thing – the FiXmas season is upon us. Sure, it’s the season of gratitude, joy, goodwill to men, blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda. But as you count your blessings, is it a crime to count among them a house that’s in good shape for you and your guests to enjoy?
So, it’s time for making a list and checking it twice, no time to remodel, so let’s keep it concise. Here’s our TOP TEN list for the simplest, most guest-noticeable repairs this FiXmas season.
The holiday season may be mostly about giving to others, but a house that’s in good shape is BOTH a gift to yourself AND a gift to your guests. Now, THAT’s the FiXmas spirit.
(Loosely based on “Paul Revere’s Ride” by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)
Listen ye homeowners and you shall hear,
That the holidays are drawing near.
Soon Thanksgiving, then December twenty-five;
Hardly a homeowner is now alive,
Who’s not dreading guest visits this year.
Guests will arrive by land, and some by air,
Only to find their host’s home in disrepair.
Causing said host’s reputation permanent harm,
Across every St Louis subdivision, complex or farm.
But, our handymen stand ready to take that daytime ride,
Throughout the greater St Louis countryside.
We’ll correct doors and windows that misbehave,
Toilets that run will be trained to “stay.”
It’s one-stop shopping for home repairs,
and guests’ll never know we just got outta there.
Guests make you anxious? We can restore calm,
To every St Louis subdivision, complex or farm.