Our Bill of Rights was needed AT LEAST as much as America’s

“When in the course of handyman events it becomes necessary to dissolve the commercial bands that have connected you the homeowner with THAT handyman, whom you originally THOUGHT was great, but who now has your money, won’t return your calls and, now that you mention it, didn’t do such great work, either.”

OK, so maybe I can’t write like Thomas Jefferson. But based on the stories you tell us every day, the truth is self-evident that while all handymen may be CREATED equal, by the time they actually arrive at your house, they sure don’t turn out that way.

That’s why we the handy-persons of Fix St Louis hereby pledge our fortunes and sacred honor in offering this Handyman Bill of Rights:

  1. We shall make no policy prohibiting homeowners from exercising their right to FREE ESTIMATES, and their ability to schedule FIRM TIMES for appointments shall not be infringed.
  2. A well-regulated workforce being necessary to perform repairs properly, our technicians shall have at least 10 years of experience.
  3. Our work shall be GUARANTEED for one full year, and we shall provide a full-time CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE whom you may petition for a redress of grievances.
  4. The right of homeowners to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects shall not be violated, so we will conduct criminal background checks and random drug tests on our technicians, and their work shall be bonded and insured.
  5. Checks and Balances: Our customers may write CHECKS to pay their BALANCES (Oh, and may also submit payments by cash or any major credit card, offline or online).

Fix St Louis would never think to impinge upon your freedom of association with other handymen, in your search for a more perfect union. But when it comes to “E Pluribus Unum” (aka ‘One’)-Stop Shopping for professional home repairs, we try hard to be the shining city on a hill.

Dr Steve
Fix St Louis
314-434-4100

Free Air Conditioning with a LUNAR-Powered Unit: Something New Under the Sun

Lunar-powered unit

Some have said that “Solar Power is the energy of the future…and always will be.” OK, so nobody ever said that, until I just did in the last sentence. But may I respectfully suggest this so-called ‘miracle’ energy source hasn’t really caught on BECAUSE IT ONLY WORKS WHEN THE SUN’S OUT!!! Maybe it’s time to give the MOON a chance.

To that end, this handyman is thinking one of the true energy solutions might have been hiding in plain sight all along. Maybe it’s even hanging from your hallway ceiling right now – an appliance that promises to tap the awesome power of the MOON to give you FREE air conditioning, even on most summer nights.

The unit below is often mistakenly called an “attic fan,” even though real attic fans are found in, uh, attics, NOT on hallway ceilings. And its correct name, “Whole House Fan,” kinda misses the point. I like to think of them as ‘Lunar-Powered Night Time Air Conditioners.’

Here’s all you need to do to see how it works. On any summer night when the outside temperature dips below 72 degrees, open a couple of windows, turn it on, then turn OFF your air conditioning. Your house will immediately cool down to room temperature or less, your electric bills will dip, AND you’ll also be bringing in the FRESH smell of the outdoors (that is, if you don’t live in Sauget, Illinois).

As far as HOW it works, while I’m just your humble handyman and not a climate scientist like Al Gore, I think I get it. You know how the Moon shines because it reflects the light of the Sun? And, how the Moon does strange things that affect the tides? Well, good for you for paying attention in Middle School, but that has nothing to do with it. It’s the unique LACK of the power of the Moon to heat-up the Earth that makes cool nights possible.

So for those of you lucky enough to already have this Lunar-powered appliance on your hallway ceiling, start using it at night. And for the far greater number of you who: 1) have one; 2) never knew what the heck it was; 3) it hasn’t been used for the past 2 generations of prior owners of your house; and 4) so it doesn’t even work anymore, call Fix St Louis and we’ll fix or replace it. And for those of you who don’t even know what I’m talking about, call us for a free estimate for installing one.

As they sing in one of those old MUNY classics, “The Moon belongs to everyone, the best things in life are free.” And as they say on those old motel billboards, “Sleep well, sleep cheap.” Good advice, to which we can only add “Call Fix St Louis.”

Dr Steve
Fix St Louis
314-434-4100

Hoping for Invite to Your House or White House

Unlike NFL players on the Philadelphia Eagles, handymen never seem to end-up on anyone’s A-List for invites to the White House, or anywhere else for that matter. It’s not that Donald Trump and I don’t have anything in common – after all, he builds buildings and we fix toilets in them. But even I would have to admit, it would be socially awkward to be chatting with Melania, while avoiding eye contact so I could stare at the White House’s magnificent hardwood floors and crown molding.

So, rather than wait to someday appear on your A-list for an invitation, let me just suggest you might actually want to invite Fix St Louis to your house now:

  • Don’t you have some small home repair needs that seem unusual or trivial, and you’re afraid no self-respecting handyman would want to be bothered?
  • How about those problems where you’re not even sure WHOM to call? Things like those cracks in your wall, that bad doorbell, that window pane that suddenly looks foggy, that hole in the wall your plumber left when he fixed your drain, that draft coming in around your front door, that closet door falling off its track, that door that won’t quite click shut?
  • And then there’s that list of needed repairs your well-meaning, live-in honey-doer never seems to get around to.

Not to sound desperate, but if you do invite us over, we will make it painless. Our estimates are free, we show-up at firm scheduled times so you don’t have to wait around, and they generally take no more than 10-15 minutes.

In fact, Fix St Louis regularly gives free estimates to possibly the most discriminating invitees in the country – NFL players, past and present. Please don’t make us beg. We hope to hear from you soon!

Dr Steve
Fix St Louis
314-434-4100

View from The Pick-Up:
A handyman’s repair manual for Memorial Day

As a handyman, I just can’t help it. I notice when things are broken, or not working as well as they once did, and try to fix them. And, I’m sensing that Memorial Day has become one of those things.

We’ve got a holiday weekend on which we’re supposed to honor, reflect on, and be grateful for the many who made the ultimate sacrifice, so that the lives of our families would be better. So, most of us do – what? Watch fast cars run around a famous race track, eat barbecued meat, take a day off from work, and drink adult beverages? Not that there’s anything wrong with those things, but – for real?

Maybe Memorial Day has become a victim of America’s own success. It’s been so long since the average American family has been personally touched by a war with mass casualties that, for many, there isn’t even a local cemetery to visit that’s the final resting place of someone we personally knew who died in battle – a suitable venue for us to honor, reflect on, and be grateful for their sacrifice.

So, on this Memorial Day weekend, please allow this grateful handyman to offer this step-by-step Memorial Day repair manual.

Step #1: FULLY understand how grateful we should be to them
Every country has, and will always have, their war dead. But ours are special – really. They didn’t just fight for land, or to protect people of their own blood. Coming from the only country ever founded based on an idea, they fought for enlightened principles, the shorthand version of which is “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” Even to this day, NO nation takes liberty as seriously as we do. And, no nation in history has liberated as many as our armed forces have – it’s in the hundreds of millions.

Step #2: Honor their sacrifice by having a fulfilling weekend
If they died for our life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness, the least we can do is enjoy them. By pursuit of happiness, our founders probably did not have roller coasters, bar hopping, reality TV shows, Snapchat, or other “fun” things in mind. They probably meant the more serious things that give us a longer-term glow, like family, vocation, community, and faith. So enjoying your family and friends over the Memorial Day weekend in a roundabout way DOES honor the fallen.

Step #3: Recognize and be proud of your own contributions
Here’s an exercise that you can do that, if it works for us handymen, it ought to work for you, too. Think about how your family’s vocations contribute to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. For you health care and legal professionals, it’s pretty easy – you’ve got life and liberty covered. Most of the rest of us are in the the pursuit of happiness business. Here’s just some of the ways Fix St Louis helps make happiness possible:

  • Keep water from destroying your home
  • Keep pests out of your home
  • Help keep your house at the same temperature year-round
  • Provide lighting so there’s more to do than go to bed after sundown
  • Allow you to enjoy the convenience of modern appliances
  • Make your house more secure
  • Make your house more enjoyable by being more beautiful

Memorial Day weekend. There, I fixed it. Now go forth and pursue happiness.

Dr Steve
Fix St Louis
314-434-4100

Exclusive shock photos: Royal Family fixing OWN house for wedding

Well, well, well. It seems like the Royal family has its OWN problems with leaks – and that Fix St Louis has developed its own anonymous sources. We are proud to share with you these shocking, never-before-published pics of the Royal Family doing their own HANDYMAN work – fixing-up their house preparing for the upcoming wedding of Harry and Meghan. We know they are authentic because Buckingham Palace refuses to return our phone calls, or to even acknowledge that we exist.


We also have obtained possession of the much older video footage below, captured at the wedding ceremony of Wills and Kate, that shows the Royal Family behaving like mere commoners.

Not that there’s any shame in doing handyman work which, come to think of it, is the only thing that we do. But, let’s face it, unlike the Royal Family, you are VERY busy, and have more important things to do with your time than attending ceremonies commemorating this thing and that, that happened many, many years ago, while looking fabulous.

So, here’s 4 good reasons not to feel guilty about not following the Royals’ example, and joining the “Don’t It Yourself” movement instead.

It will get done sooner. Getting things fixed in your home is our FIRST priority, even when it’s not for the honey-doer in your home. This is not going to drag on for weeks or months.

It will improve your marriage. It eliminates the tension between the reluctantly nagging spouse and the well-intentioned procrastinating spouse. And it frees-up time and energy to fight about more important things, like who your kids are hanging out with, whether that 5-iron was really the best use of the family budget, and how much longer the in-laws should be allowed to stay.

It will be done once and it will be done right. A do-it-yourself job by definition is a job done by – no offense intended – an amateur, who is usually learning to do something new in the process. That means it’s likely to take much longer, mistakes may be made along the way, the result may not be perfect, and it may have to be re-done in the future.

No one will be hurt in the process. We know how to handle things like high places, electricity, and moving heavy objects safely. This may matter to you, if you happen to love your spouse.

You know, I really kinda feel sorry for Harry and Meghan, who will probably be forced to move into some very old house that will require a lot of maintenance. You should count your blessings, and keep our number.

Dr Steve
Fix St Louis
314-434-4100

Russians hacked the light bulb aisle

We now know that Russians have been getting involved in our elections to sow confusion, division, frustration, and anger. So tell me, WHAT does a handyman have to do in this town to get Bob Mueller to investigate the OTHER AREA where Russians may have been practicing this – the light bulb aisle?

If you’ve shopped for light bulbs lately, you know EXACTLY what I mean. The answer to “how many homeowners does it take to change a light bulb?” has become “TWO, the homeowner plus an illumination engineer.” Am I crazy to suggest this has the fingerprints of former KGB agent Vladimir Putin all over it? So, let me explain what has happened to light bulbs, and how to survive the newest front in the Cold War (aka the DARK War).

Summary

You are now paying 10x as much for light bulbs that allegedly last 10x as long and use 1/5 as much energy because the federal government says so. Now, it’s hard for this simple handyman to figure out exactly why if not for Soviet infiltration they would mandate this, but possibly our government just decided they’re smarter than inventor Thomas Edison, and at least one person sent out a Tweet claiming incandescent bulbs are sexist and racist.

First Generation Bulbs (CFL) – Soon to be Gone

The first bulbs released after the new law were called “CFL”, which either stands for Compact Fluorescent Light or Commie Fluorescent Light, depending on your choice of conspiracy theory. Think of them as fluorescent tubes re-shaped to fit into bulb sockets, so the quality of their light is as lousy as you would expect, which actually might be considered quite GOOD if you were unfortunate enough to live in the former Soviet Union. They look like a Dairy Queen vanilla ice cream cone, although if you were tempted to EAT them you might die of mercury poisoning. For these reasons and others, it will soon be lights out for these bulbs. Don’t let the lampshade hit you on your way out.

Current Generation Bulbs (LED)

Thankfully, American ingenuity rescued us from the above Soviet-style bulbs by introducing LED bulbs, which either stands for Light Emitting Diode or Lenin Extinguishing Device, depending on your choice of conspiracy. As it turns out, wire’s not the only thing that glows when you run electricity through it, good old American semiconductors do, too, and for whatever reason that’s just fine with our betters in Washington. At least for now.

While these bulbs started out looking strange, being hugely expensive, and had packages labeled in ways so no one could understand how bright they were compared to 60 and 100 watt bulbs, all of these problems are being addressed, as discussed below.

What You Need to Know and What You Need to Ignore

Meanwhile, as you navigate your way through the LED bulb aisle, stay focused on the 3 things that you also would have thought about in your incandescent bulb past: brightness, dim-ability, and color.

  • If you want the equivalent brightness of an old 100 watt bulb, look for packages that read 100 Watt REPLACEMENT.
  • If you want to be able to dim your bulbs, look for packages that mention this feature. Also, make sure your dimmer switches at home are compatible with LED bulbs. Fix St Louis can swap out your light switches if you need to.
  • If you prefer the yellowish light of old incandescent bulbs, the harsh white used in police interrogations, the look of old soft white bulbs, or light that simulates daylight, look for WORDS on the packages that say this. And, unless you’re a geek, try to ignore the “K” ratings that are actually temperature measurements based on the Kelvin scale, which apparently provide some indication of color.

Ongoing Propaganda

But be aware that a walk down the light bulb aisle is still like flipping through the pages of the former Soviet Union’s propaganda newspaper, Pravda. The packages are full of lies.

There are packages marked “incandescent” that are actually halogen lights made to look like the old bulbs. (BTW, you’ll also see some REAL incandescent bulbs that somehow escaped the government’s grasp by their low wattage or special design).

And while I praised the use of phrases on packages like “100 Watt Replacement” above, if you hold-up 2 different brands labeled that way, don’t be surprised if there’s as much as a 30% difference in brightness as measured in “lumens.” (Don’t waste your time learning the lumen system — it’s unlikely to catch on here among us proud metric-system-refusing Americans.)

So nice try, comrade Vladimir. When it comes to lighting our houses, guess we Americans are brighter than you think.

Dr Steve
Fix St Louis
314-434-4100