Our team of Dr Frankenstein’s can bring your front yard monsters to life

Whether it’s an encouraging sign of American innovation, or a distressing sign of cultural decay, there’s no question something has been happening lately to the great American front lawn.

Seems like overnight we jumped from bird baths, small statues of Mary, and an occasional pink flamingo to gigantic, holiday-themed, animated characters, with no noticeable regard for what might be considered “good taste.”

Maybe Fix St Louis shouldn’t be enabling these developments, but we’re guessing you’d rather listen to Martha Stewart than this humble handyman on matters of taste. So, whatever you need from us to realize your front yard dreams, no matter how provocative, questionable, or ambitious, we’re in.

Think of Fix St Louis as the folks who can make the things in your front yard light up, move, or make noise. We can make that dragon flap its wings, get that skeleton to sit up and lie down while its coffin door opens and shuts, get a cackle out of that flying witch, and cast an eerie glow from anything anywhere.

We can make all this happen by installing new, weather-proof electrical outlets wherever you actually need them, rather than where they happen to be now. We can even install timers and dusk-to-dawn sensors so you can set-up decorations once, then leave them alone, without adding tasks to your daily to-do list.

Wouldn’t it be more convenient to have an outlet in your flower beds? Or on the side of a porch column right near the lawn? Or on your front wall? Or even on the ceiling of your front porch for Christmas lights and other hanging decorations? Sure beats buying & storing long cords, then stringing these trip-hazards throughout your yard, across your porch, then through a window or door you must now keep open to plug-in the wire inside.

Hey, don’t blame us. We didn’t create this monster, even though we’re willing to feed it. We’ll let you and Martha fight it out.

Dr Steve
Fix St Louis
314-434-4100

Sun, Moon plan rare daytime test of your outdoor security lights next Monday

We are pleased to announce that Fix St Louis has teamed-up with the Sun and the Moon for an unprecedented daytime test of your outdoor security lights. The test will begin next Monday, August 21st at 1:17 p.m. and end about a minute and a half later.

Test Phase I

To prepare for the test, at about 1:15 p.m. walk around the inside of your house and flip every light switch that might control an outside light to the “on” position.

Test Phase II

At 1:17 p.m., take a position outside your front door. Next, we need to do SOMETHING to keep you from being distracted by the thing everybody will be talking about the next day or two. I’m a humble handyman, not a licensed ophthalmologist, but geez, I’d think you could safely take a good, hard, short 5-10 second look at the Sun at this point without squinting through a red piece of cellophane that looks like it’s straight out of a Happy Meal. But, what do I know? As they say at the end of virtually every TV ad these days, “ask your doctor,” but not Dr Steve.

Test Phase III

Now, turn your attention to your front wall lanterns and lamp post. If their lights had been off in the morning, but are now on, they are functioning properly. This means they are being controlled by dusk-to-dawn sensors, which have earned the Fix St Louis seal of approval as the correct light controls for the front of your house.

Dusk-to-dawn controls are the right ones for your front lights because they make your house look best at night, make would-be burglars think someone might be home, assure your neighbors that you are not a recluse, and avoid mixed messages between a doormat that says “Welcome!” and a lighting scene that says “Scram!” Timers are wrong because they go out of sync with the seasons and power outages, creating an additional maintenance task you don’t need. Manually turning your lights on and off every morning and evening is wrong because this is the 21st century.

There are only 3 known ways to get your front wall lanterns to do dusk-to-dawn. The first is to install outdoor lanterns with built-in dusk-to-dawn sensors, the second is to screw-in an aftermarket sensor between the socket and the bulb (if it doesn’t make the bulb too tall to fit), and the third is to install an outdoor, standalone sensor somewhere in that light’s electrical circuit. Fix St Louis can help you with all of these options.

Test Phase IV

In what’s left of the minute and a half that began with Test Phase II, we’re going to do a lap around your house to see which, if any, outdoor security lights turn on when you walk past them. But be careful — remember, it’s dark. Those that DO turn on pass the test. They’re controlled BOTH by motion detectors and dusk-to-dawn sensors, so they only turn on when it’s dark AND when creepy people and large animals might be lurking about. For those that DON’T turn on when you walk past, Fix St Louis can often fix them, or replace them with fixtures with the appropriate built in sensors, or sometimes just add sensors to them. Oh, and we can ADD outdoor security lights pretty much anywhere.

Plan B

For those who can’t be at home for the test, you’ll be happy to learn that we’ve already booked the Sun and the Moon for an encore test on June 3rd, 2505. But, why put it off? Call Fix St Louis today!

Dr Steve
Fix St Louis
314-434-4100

So, was your builder expecting April the Giraffe to change your light bulbs?

Hey, your Great Room with the 2-story vaulted ceiling looks really great and all that, and I’m sure your home builder boasted about how spacious it made your house seem. But now that your builder is long gone and has cashed his check, you begin to wonder. How on God’s green Earth am I going to change a light bulb that’s 17′ up in the air?!

No problem, you figure. The last time you were in Home Depot, didn’t you see a light bulb changing kit that included an extension rod with all sorts of nifty light bulb grabbing attachments you could put at its end, like a suction cup, a basket, and a wad of used bubble gum? But if you had actually BOUGHT it and tried to use it, you’d know that you might just as well be a circus performer spinning plates at the end of that rod. And also that you forgot to buy two more things needed to change that bulb — a 10′ step ladder and a crash helmet to protect you from aerial bombardment by kamikaze bulbs that refuse to get suctioned or leap gracefully into the basket.

Off the top of my head, I can think of a couple of more things builders do to make a house more showy, but leave homeowners helpless to do normal maintenance. How about climbing onto one of those modern, ultra-steep roofs that even a mountain goat isn’t crazy enough to get up on? Or that cedar deck whose boards will soon start fraying at the edges unless you stain it every 2 years? Or asking the crew from Merry Maids if they would kindly clean that window above your front door two-stories up?

Now I know that some of you are too young to remember this. But, I think it was maybe, oh, about two weeks ago that there was something called the Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Circus. And they had parades of elephants that were quite a spectacle. Now, think of your builder as the ringmaster, and think of those huge beautiful creatures as the houses he was showing-off, that captured your attention. Now, think of those men with the push brooms at the end of the parade. That would be us, Fix St Louis.

So, call Fix St Louis whenever you need to perform one of those impossible maintenance feats the builder didn’t warn you about. We can even make some of them go away, e.g. by staining that cedar deck with a deck paint that you would only have to re-paint as often as you would have to re-paint a house, not every couple of years.

Let’s finally talk about those maintenance elephants in the room. And don’t worry, we’re actually quite good at cleaning-up after ourselves.

Dr Steve
Fix St Louis
314-434-4100

Can you install a ceiling fan or light to an empty ceiling?

There’s a handful of home improvements we do that totally amaze our customers — things they assumed were impossible. One is installing a ceiling fan or light fixture on a totally empty ceiling — no existing light, no electrical box, maybe not even a switch for it on their wall. Have you been wondering how to install a ceiling fan or light to an empty ceiling in your house? Then you have come to the right place.

So, how do we do it? You see, we have on staff a technician named Samantha, who is married to a hapless advertising executive named Darrin Stephens, and when she twitches her nose… Oh, not young enough to remember the TV series ‘Bewitched’? Sorry, my bad.

Well, the truth is that we install these ceiling fixtures by going fishing. But, this time I’m not kidding. We run new wires through your ceiling and walls by ‘fishing’ for them. What this means is that we find or make a hole to shove a wire behind your walls, then try to reach this wire from another place, as far away as possible, and pull the wire through.

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